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Ask an Infantryman: How to Break up with your girlfriend

Infantrymen,

Sorry for my blogging dry spell.  I've been working on a software startup that's taking a lot out of me.  But the other day I got an email from a stud who's about to deploy, and had to take a minute out to put it up on his behalf:

Dear Mr. Pig,

I'm a Para-Rescueman from Sacramento getting ready to deploy for my second time to Afghanistan.  I'm looking forward to the deployment.  Shit, in this humble airman's opinion, there's nothing more awesome than deploying to the Stan as a PJ.  It's kind of like being Charlie Sheen, but instead of banging porn stars left and right I get to save lives. Sadly, there exists a rather large bumblebee in my astroglide.  See, I've been dating this girl for the last few years, but she's just way too into me.  She's knitting me scarves and so on, and all my boys think they're gay.  Kind of like that other Jon Cryer guy from 2.5 Men.  Plus she has this way of insinuating herself into relationships with my brosephs that I don't appreciate.  You know, like trying to set them up with her not very attractive friends.  I mean, seriously, my friends are warrior monks, with chiseled physiques and IQ's you would not believe.  They date swimsuit models with PhD's, not meter maids with goiter.  Anyway, just as I was getting ready to give her the whole "it's not me baby, it's you" speech over surf & turf at my local Outback Steakhouse, she told me she had a present for me.  And then she turned around in our booth and showed me this present.  And to my chagrin, the present was a tattoo of my name on her left buttock, and then this little + (plus) symbol and then her name + "4ever."  

I spit out my Bloomin' Onion.  Through my [email protected]#ing nose.  

And then I lost my nerve, totally aborting the mission.  

So yeah, anyways, my question is simple:  How do you break up with a girl who has your name tattooed on her left buttock?  

-- Motivated in Mountainview

As always, your advice in the comments below please.

 

-- Uber Pig

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