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The Last SpiderBender

The Last SpiderBender
Michaelyawns
UJTroy A cautionary tale about the dark side of Public Affairs

 


Screenplay by Uncle Jimbo, disgraced internet pundit

                                                                &

Michael Yawn, the greatest war correspondent in his own mind  the world

A giant shout of AHA! reverberates from a seedy whorehouse in a rundown neighborhood in Bangkok. An old, fat, bald drunken American stumbles into the street clad in a filthy sarong. He is followed by a worn-out, over-used katoy who is yelling.

"Mistah Michael come to bed, you not gonna get that evil Uncle Jimbo tonight too far away"
"But there you are wrong Pongo. I have the worm in my clutches as we speak. The fool has finally admitted he was part of the conspiracy McChrystal & his staff waged against me." He tries an evil genius Mwah Ha Ha, but ends up coughing up a chunk of lung instead.

The decrepit American shambles off muttering to himself "Damn spiders, McChrystal thinks he's a shaman, Menard that murderous bastard, but Jimbo. Damn Jimbo to the depths of hell. No balls, won't embed, I embed, Oh yes I do, I embed all the time, I'm embedded right now, but Jimbo, ohhhhnnoooo, he won't embed, chicken, coward, weakling. He wouldn't last a day out in the wilds of Chiang Mai, the dope dealers and the midget hookers would take him down a notch or two."

The aging katoy guides the decrepit American past puddles of filth and tries to calm him. "There there Mr. Michael, you will gain your revenge, you will get this Jimbo. I know sir, I know you come out on top." The katoy giggles at the word play "But then you always come out on top Mr. Michael" and they disappear back into the filthy flop house.

Pongo tucks the slobbering Mr. Michael in among the rancid blankets on their shared straw mattress. His master is writhing and mouthing words as if gripped by an infernal fever. Pongo walks over to Mr. Michael's Commodore 64 and looks at the latest thread at BLACKFIVE. Spittle flecks cover the screen where an enraged Mr. Michael howled and wailed about the lies and fraud of this disgraceful Uncle Jimbo. Pongo wiped the screen with the camouflage bandanna Mr. Michael had worn when he was winning the Second Battle of Fallujah by posting blurry, out of focus shots of rubble. He looked at the latest abuse from this Uncle Jimbo and he vowed to make Mr. Michael proud with his response.

Michael Yon said in reply to Uncle Jimbo...

Mr. Hansen,
Thank you for admitting that you mislead people about my being disembedded from US, UK, and Canadian forces for OPSEC violations.
Much appreciated.
Michael

Uncle Jimbo replies

Ah Ha! Now I have got you. Will you now answer for purposely misleading our readers about the proper spelling of my last name. You had it correct before, but now you willfully spout falsehoods. Ladies and Gentlemen Michael Yon is a fraud and a muckraker and this blatant attempt to convince people that I am of Danish not Swedish descent shall not go unopposed.
Dude you are clinically obtuse. I am not admitting I misled anyone, I am asking you to correct me if you think I am wrong. You ought to know, but you never seem to do anything but deflect. We want the truth Mikey, especially about the Canadians.

Pongo freezes and an icy chill runs down his spine. How does Jimbo know about the Canadians?

I think this works well as a serial, so please feel free to add episodes in the comments. Maintain some minimal amount of decency, although God knows he won't. Although Mikey, we can have a truce whenever you want. If not then I declare a unilateral cease fire tomorrow 3 pm Eastern time when the Bears and the Packers will take to Soldier Field in Chicago to decide the fate of the free world.

UPDATE: OMG we have made an amazing discovery. Our internet trolls were digging to gather dirt and help take down the McChrystal conspiracy when they found this, Michael Yawn's own secret blog. Talk about talking truth to power, Yawn reveals all of the ins and outs of his fateful last embed in the Stan, and no that's not McChrystal. Read it and the conspiracy will be unmasked.

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