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Ask an Infantryman: Pining in Madison

As more discriminating Blackfive readers already know, Uncle Jimbo was on CNN with uber-celebrity Kathy Griffin. He writes:

Oh and yes I am totally hot for Kathy, I know she is anti-religion, I'm not but if you can get in touch with her let her know.

I may know a guy who knows a guy who knows Kathy Griffin. But I consider my friendships to be extremely valuable. You see, if I make the decision to invest my time in someone, I expect a payoff on that investment, or at least the chance at same. I have meathead friends I don't much enjoy being around, but I invest in them because I may need them some day, perhaps for an alibi. I have fat friends I rely on for advice on how to get a turducken for cheap. And I have gay friends I hang out with because they make me seem safe to hot chicks. For you traders out there, my friendships would be analogous to any other commodity, to be bought and sold on the CBOT -- like May Sugar options, or November Pork Bellies. Which brings me back to my friend who has a friend. Should I risk burning up the expected future value of this friend -- we'll call him "July Soybeans" -- to let Kathy Griffin know that Uncle Jimbo is totally hot for her? I don't know. And so I must go again back to the well, to the purest and most valuable source of distilled wisdom the Interwebs have yet known: My fellow infantrymen.

-- Uber Pig, Out

PS: Much of the advice you gave in the last "Ask an Infantryman" question was sound, and had the appropriate element of Infantilism I like to see. The suggestion that the young lady might find a better man in either of Ft Benning or Ft Bragg, however, was poorly constructed. I'm looking at you, Falschirmjaeger. And while I appreciate the subtext of your comment, this young lady is demonstrably unworthy of Stan the sailor, much less an actual infantryman. I am therefore forced to declare victory for Subsunk -- even though, technically, Subsunk is not an infantryman. This is a low day for me, to have all of Infantry-kind beaten by a lowly submariner. I must call them as I see them, though.