The Onion's non-apology, penned by CEO Steve Hannah and published by my inimitable colleague Uncle Jimbo:
The fellow who owns the Onion has been a paraplegic for over 35 years. On his office desk he has a picture of five soldiers in Iraq in full battle gear wearing Onion T shirts. We are not insensitive jerks. Believe it or not, The Onion's mission is to comfort the afflicted by afflicting the comfortable. Apparently our fans in the military thought we failed on this occasion.
No Steve, you didn't fail on this occasion and your apology was totally unnecessary. Truth is, I was laughing my muscular buttocks off at that video you guys put up, before those PC jerkwads from the military forced you to take it down. Anyways, here are some not-work-safe jokes I'm sure you and the rest of your fine staff at The Onion will find hilarious:
Q: "Hey, what do you say when your paraplegic owner tries to fire you?"
A "Shut up, cripple, or I'll put hot sauce on that joystick you move around with your tongue to type with!"
Q: "Hey, what do you call a paraplegic owner hanging on the wall?"
"Hey, what's the perfect birthday present for a paraplegic owner?"
A "A paraplegic dog!"
"Hey, what's the perfect status symbol for a paraplegic owner?"
A "A paraplegic trophy wife!"
Hey what's up Steve? I don't hear you laughing? Why not? Are you not afflicted? Perhaps you are too comfortable? Because I was just trying to comfort you by afflicting the comfortable, dig? In this case, of course, "comfortable" is defined as servicemen and women with grievous bodily injuries.
-- Uber Pig
PS: You may want to check with your owner before you publish these hilarious jokes. He might find them a bit edgy. But just so you know, Blackfive has a picture on his desk of five Onion staff writers -- All wearing Chuck Taylors, tight black pants, emo hair cuts, and leather cock rings -- each wearing Blackfive T-shirts. We are not insensitve jerks!