I have always favored talking with our enemies, Iran included. I don't mean the kind of formalized lying in formal wear that makes up most diplomacy. I mean staring down the designated liars and reminding them that we are the biggest dog and they would be well-advised not to listen to our press or our defeated Democrats. We gain nothing by ignoring our enemies and if we would send the right folks and adopt a high stakes poker mentality, we might actually gain some knowledge and we can certainly mess with their heads.
Always willing do do the work the State Department sucks at, I volunteer my services as Smartassador at Large. A transcript of my opening meet with Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Syria's Bashar Assad held at the Burj Al Arab hotel in Dubai.
Uncle J- Hey folks glad we could get together. We certainly have plenty to chat about. OK first you Mahmoud, I will direct your attention to the laptop here. The video feed you see is live from a drone over the terror training camp about 30 miles NE of Tehran, you know the one right. The Qods force camp where you planned the attack in Karbala, you know Mahmoud right?
MA- I have no knowledge of any such camp, but yes.
UJ- Good, now that was a seriously BS move buddy. Did you really think we were just gonna take some shit like that from you? Dam U Dum!
OK now if I have the timing of this right we should see the Tomahawks right about now, yep there they are.See the little tracks, they just passed by about 15 miles from here. Let me switch to the onboard cam, that was my idea by the way. Ooh look at how cool it looks as they zip right over the city, you can almost hear the people looking up saying WTF was that? OK 3,2,1 BAKOW! And now that camp is no more, hope you weren't planning some other bit of heinous stuff for us there were you?
MA- Did you just, I can't believe, what is wrong with you? You can't just, Where is Madame Pelosi?
UJ- Mahmoud my man, you need to recognize something. W isn't running for anything and he understands that you have been very naughty putting bad ideas in the heads of chinless chumps like that weasel sitting next to you. Actually Bashar I'm not much interested in lap dogs so why don't you make yourself useful and find me some BBQ ribs and a bottle of Jack Daniels, Mahmoud will have chai. I'll just give your puppet master here your orders.
Now back to your making war against, Hey Assad you sorry bastard, did I sound like I was kidding? Ribs, Whiskey now! OK, The IED factories was bad but when you started trucking jackasses into Iran for training and then back to Iraq to kill my friends well, payback's a medevac.
MA- I demand that you treat me with respect, I am President of Iran.
UJ- You know that is true, right now, but man you have to explain how you can take all that money you have made on high oil prices and still have your economy in the crapper. I mean seriously we have been paying those outrageous prices and fighting a huge expeditionary war, and our economy is kicking ass. You have been catching all that oil money and now you have gas rationing and riots. WTF buddy?
MA- These are temporary setbacks, sabotage by the Zionists and your oil companies.
UJ- Yeah right, you keep on with that whole Joooos thing and they are finally gonna give you a 4th of July display as your nuke toys go boom, and not the boom you were hoping for.
All right let's get to the deal-making part of this. You are going to immediately quit f**king about in Iraq
MA- Absolutely not, We....
UJ- I don't remember asking you a G**-D**ed thing. You put yourself into attentive wife mode or I will use some of my sharia-sanctioned stick-beating skills and straighten your ass out. Now immediate stop to your f***ing about in Iraq, and that goes for your boy Assad as well. Matter of fact where are my damn ribs, text that idiot and tell him to hurry up. Now we will get to your nukes next time, but I'm gonna give you a hint...BAKOW! Oh come on now get up from under your chair, I was just playing.
Ahh there is the chinless Opthamologist with my chow. Bring that over here Assad then help your fellow titan of the Islamosphere up from under his chair and get both your asses out of here, Miss Dubai is stopping by with some friends and I don't want you two putting her off her feed.