McClellan resigns- Uncle J for Press Secretary
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
I demand an interview for the job. I have certainly been tireless in my efforts to audition, and I would like to hope I have made an impact on the jackals of the White House press corps, but imagine what it would be like to see me pummeling them on a daily basis, and yes Chuck D and the fellas would be along for the ride.
Uncle J: Mornin' Jackals, Uncle J fillin' in for Scotty Mac again, that is not a good sign for you.
(loud clanging as security gates crash down on all exits)
You people have officially pissed me off, so we are gonna work through some issues here, three specifically:
Leaking Classified Intelligence
Coercive Interrogation Techniques
Defeatist Reportage on Iraq
James Risen of the NY Times come on down. You're the first contestant on "Who's my Source?". I know you are all aware that it is illegal to leak classified information, and that doing so can cripple our ability to keep you pampered crybabies safe and warm. But you and the NY Times still felt obligated to aid our enemies and increase the risk terrorists won't be caught. Well since you have collectively abused the trust we will now demonstrate the errors of your ways. But first let me bring out Chuck D founder of pioneering rap group Public Enemy and VRWC propagandist on Air America Radio.
(Chuck D marches in flanked by Professor Griff and a phalanx of meaty brothers in urban camo, polished jump boots and dark shades)
0730 am WH Press room
The usual suspects of the WH press corpse (not sp.) are gathered for the morning brief and the jackals smell blood. They prepare to pounce on the feckless Scotty McClellan and savage him for W's hypocrisy in using state secrets for political gain. Their frenzied jibberings turn to yelps of horror when the lights dim and the raucous sound of Kid Rock's "Cowboy" begins to blare. Confirming their suspicion the door opens and instead of Scotty Mac out struts Uncle J.
UJ: Good Morning I'm Uncle Jimbo, subbing for Scott McClellan who really just wasn't cut out for lying to you piranhas. The rules for this daily farce have been changed to reflect the fact that your organizations are basically adversaries and active opponents of the elected US Government. Consequently you will now be treated as representatives of the side you have chosen, the bad guys. I will tell you the unvarnished truth when it suits the purposes of our country, and I will bold-faced lie to you when that furthers our cause. That cause is freedom and the consensus 'round here is that you either don't share those goals or are too idealistically ignorant to understand how to create it. So, let the games begin.
& this nugget
Now what in the world were you maroons thinking yesterday? Do you truly believe that the world revolves around your executive-style hairdos? If somehow the relative suitability of the Vice President as a hunting partner were barn-burning news, then perhaps I could understand your histrionics. But you people are acting silly, even by White House Press standards, which are farther down the silly scale than Benny Hill. I mean if anyone planning to hunt upland birds with the VP was harmed by waiting a day to learn that in front of his muzzle is a bad location, they have my apologies. You vermin just need to hush your disrespectful, vainglorious, self-centered cakeholes.
This is an unprecedented opportunity and since I will be in DC this Friday, I am available for an interview. Heck W can show at Fran O'Brien's Friday night and we can hash out a deal then.