Torture Press Conference- Uncle Jimbo Style
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
UJ: Good Morning I'm Uncle Jimbo, subbing for Scott McClellan who really just wasn't cut out for lying to you piranhas. The rules for this daily farce have been changed to reflect the fact that your organizations are basically adversaries and active opponents of the elected US Government. Consequently you will now be treated as representatives of the side you have chosen, the bad guys. I will tell you the unvarnished truth when it suits the purposes of our country, and I will bold-faced lie to you when that furthers our cause. That cause is freedom and the consensus 'round here is that you either don't share that goal or are too idealistically ignorant to understand how to help make it happen. So, let the games begin.
JS (Journalist Swine): Mr. Uncle Jimbo how will you answer the .....
UJ: Don't you work for the New York Times?
JS: I certainly...
UJ: Sit down and shut up. If you do anything more than copy down what I say when I do the "quotes thing" with my fingers, I will have you defenestrated. Sit down, you heard me.
UJ: Dana Milbank of the Washington Post, where Dana Priest wrote a story exposing secret facilities chock full of classified information leaked from the same cabal in the CIA that has been actively opposing the Administration from jump street, you don't have a question do you?
DM: Well actually, I wanted to ......
UJ: Security! Dumbass clean up row 2 aisle. Hey New York Times, why don't you explain to your buddy what defenestrate means. Hey Security, maybe the Washington Monument for Milbank. As if a Simpson's named clown like you was even gonna get a shot at me.
OK here is the question I want to be asked: What is the US Government's official policy on torture and what is it's actual practice?
Who wants to be the brave little reporter who gets this scoop, huh? Nobody? OK somebody hit Helen Thomas with some juice CLEAR!
HT: Mr. Fitzwater, what do...
HT: Mr. Stephanapolous?
UJ: Sorry Babe
HT: Mr. Fleischer?
UJ: Closer but no, I am Uncle Jimbo and I need some lefty boilerplate about how the administration, this is George W. Bush 43 by the way, has thrown out all decency and tortures so many and so well, that they make Torquemada look like a sissy, and.....action:
HT: Mr. Uncle Jimbo what possible excuse could this depraved, oil-sotten crime family have for advocating the wholesale torture and conversion to evangelicalism of all Muslims worldwide? And why did I see Dick Cheney picking up a new cat-o-nine tails at the Halliburton gift shop in the White House? And another thin....
(sound of tranq dart fired from off-stage)
UJ: Thank you Helen, that is a wonderful question and one which concerns us greatly here at the center of the actual fight to keep you jackals free from terrorists and Islamic fascists as you undermine that very effort.
The official policy of the United States government is an unequivocal NO to the use of torture anywhere, any place, any time, and as soon as the rest of the bad guys quit using it we will too, No I'm just playin' with you. The answer is we do not sanction the use of torture ever, by any member or representative of the government. The President will sign a Post-it Note (TM) from Sen. McCain that states categorically that the US will never, ever torture anyone no matter how angry Dick Cheney gets. This Post-it Note (TM) will be stapled to the forehead of Cindy Sheehan to ensure that it is seen and witnessed by all the cognoscenti of the left. Nothing related to the actual security of this country will be more important than these words, and we will hold our heads high regardless of any civilian casualties from un-prevented, nearby explosions.
OK that concludes the official lie portion of today's gaggle now for something you are unaccustomed to and Jack was right you can't handle, the truth. (whispers off stage: Make sure you got those blinky red light things ready)
Oh we torture people all right, only it's almost never and the people we do it to have information we need right now to save lives, and the techniques are not crude and medieval, they involve physical and psychological coercion to disorient and break the will to resist. If we don't use every possible way to get that info we could end up with airplanes hitting buildings or something equally heinous. It is not often that we have such a high value target, but when we do, well...we do. Let me bring out a crowd favorite. Ladies & Gentlemen, straight from Diego Garcia on the Gulfstream Rendition Special, Khalid..."Sheikh, Sheikh, Sheikh" Muhammad (think KC & Sunshine Band).
KSM: Ay, Ay, Ay, I already told you Zawahiri's PIN number, the lights are so bright, what, what do you want?
UJ: Chill buddy, we're all good, Now tell the folks your story, right from the sasquatch hair day photo.
KSM: Oh it was awful, the infidels,.....I mean my kind-hearted rescuers, convinced me they would turn me over to the Saudis, those dogs. Gitmo is one thing, but the Saudis, by the beard of Allah, they know how to heat a poker. They flew me round and round and I think the Britney Spears music may have been the worst. I mean, the wet bag on the head, the dogs, the cold, no sweat, but if I gotta hit that tramp one more time, ohhh Mr. Uncle Jimbo please, and waterboard that is nothing, now Waterworld, over and over and over that is torture.
UJ: It's cool K-Sheikh, fellas take him in the back and get him a Bailey's and coffee and some girlie mags.
Now listen up people, there are certain things involved with covert operations that are unsavory, and require a tougher stomach than writing Style pieces about where you and your milquetoast friends will be summering this season. That is why your guidance counselors recommended journalism school even though you mentioned how dashing you look in a beret.
You keep writing pieces and highlighting every single incident where we treat anyone less than lovingly and then ask me questions about our reputation overseas, c'mon now. Abu Ghraib was being investigated by the Army long before you vultures began running the photos every day and don't get me started about Gitmo and Korans. We do a darn good job of policing ourselves and if we actually believed you would act responsibly and not expose secret operations, we would gladly sign ze papah and ban the use of torture everywhere. But having seen you in action we can't have you and the Dems and every human rights group on earth requesting investigations about places you shouldn't even know exist. Now this is not just for us, all Presidents need the ability to act when confronted with evil that knows no civilized restraint.
No one in this government wants to do anything mean to anyone, but the 100 folks in these CIA facilities would spend every waking second and every fiber of their being killing as many of us as possible. I feel bad about their choice, but not about their fate. Good gravy, the tactics we use in these places are no worse than a certain course for our own personnel in danger of capture. If it's good enough for our own people, can't we at least do it to those trying to murder innocents, in order to save innocents? We ask for a little room to operate, not a license to pull toe nails, there are no sadists here only realists.
I wish we could trust you to understand that the press privileges you value so highly are wholly dependent on our victory over these totalitarian killers, who you worry are being forcibly lingeried, but experience dictates otherwise. Agent J if you don't mind.
AJ: OK folks, just look at the blinking red light here and.. FEEESSSSHHOOOOWWW!
UJ: And remember to take your complimentary pen from the signing of the historic McCain/Sheehan Torture Prohibition & Shiny Happy World Post-it Note (TM). The Bush administration is proud to be the first to allow the Red Cross to monitor all high value terrorist detainees within 2 hours of capture and to be present during all interrogations. Seriously. We expect no difficulty extracting information from those we capture going forward, because we would never hurt a soul, trust us Zarqawi.
(My apologies to Sen. McCain for involving him, but he did involve himself)
I also did a parody ad that aired on the local Air America Station a while back: