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Rumsfeld announces withdrawal from Iraq

Press Release from Uncle Jimbo               July 4, 2006 The Pentagon, Virginia

Today Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld announced the withdrawal of major US combat forces from the free country of Iraq. He also announced his own retirement having concluded the liberation of Afghanistan and Iraq and greatly furthered the overall war on Islamic terrorism.

"Ladies & Gentlemen I am tremendously pleased to announce the return home over the next six months of all US forces involved in direct internal security of Iraq. The elections in December followed by the seating of a Parliament with full Sunni participation has given Iraq the first truly representative government in the Middle East. Throughout last year many called for us to abandon this struggle as we neared it's successful conclusion, thankfully the administration did not lose it's resolve in the face of incessant media stories focused only on the negative. Our troops on the ground knew all along that they were winning and no innacurate portrayal could change that. It was difficult to explain to the troops why the news their families saw at home showed such a different view than that of their own eyes. Many worried that the only good news their families heard came from milblogs and other alternative media. I assured them that most of America could recognize victory even when reports of it are cloaked in the smoke of defeatism and they are told  we are entangled in imaginary quagmires. Our troops knew better and so did this administration. We will no longer be known as the giant who can't take a punch, the colossus who abandons it's smaller allies when the political smokescreens start blowing, the hollow, decadent self-indulgent America that will not stand on principle. That will no longer be grist for the Al-Qaeda propaganda machine. We stood fast, fought hard and as we in the military knew we would, triumphed.

Iraq is free and sovereign, the rape rooms closed, the shredders disabled, the tyrant in shackles awaiting his hanging, the people living with all the blessings of liberty. Thanks to our military and the will of this administration not to cave in to those who never learned, or have forgotten that sacrifice is the cost of any worthy goal. We have now achieved one, for the people of Iraq, the rest of the Middle East and to remind the world that we have the will to stand up for freedom, wherever it is crushed by the boot of tyranny.

I will now retire as soon as the WMD we recently recovered from their hiding places in Syria have been catalogued and I finish pummeling a few people about the head and shoulders with them. And a big shout out to the Jordanians for sending us that Christmas card Zarqawi sent his mother, complete with return address. Oh and Condi '08, let freedom continue to reign, Rumsfeld out."