The Unbearable Lightness Of Being Cameron Diaz
Monday, May 16, 2005
Being a Blog Princess is hard work. If, like me, you spent the weekend scarfing down a bucket of Kentucky Fried Cruelty or (worse still) slaving away for the Man, you'll be happy to know there are still some Bright Spirits out there who haven't sold their souls.
A few weeks ago, the half-vast editorial staff of Villainous Company romped with Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz as they got in touch with their inner Goddess via the joyous experience of outdoor elimination. For some of us, this act would have resulted in a rather hefty fine and possibly some jail time. But as our heroines craftily selected Third World countries as the lucky recipients of their precious cargo, the only consequences were some hard-to-reach mosquito bites and a lifetime of beautiful memories.
For the Hollyweird set, each day brings a new quest for self-discovery. And being the generous souls they are, they can't wait to share the love. And so this week finds Cami at the 2005 Reebok Human Rights Awards, shining the spotlight on yet another worthy cause. Now for some of us, the connection between overpriced sneakers and Human Rights might not be immediately apparent. But Ms. Diaz is quick to share her unique point of view with her adoring fans. One of her more memorable quotes demonstrates her keen insight:
"I've been noticing gravity since I was very young."
Paris Hilton was so impressed with that pithy little bon mot, she had it silkscreened onto a T-shirt in the yummiest shade of melon. It sold like hotcakes: we hear the proceeds were donated to a cosmetic surgery fund for aging Shar Peis in Beverly Hills. At the Reebok event, Ms. Diaz was greeted enthusiastically by the crowd before reading her statement:
The true highlight of the evening came when Cameron Diaz pranced out on stage. Waving and blowing kisses she tottered in her stilettos and skintight jeans over to the podium. Struggling to read the speech prepared for her, she gratefully welcomed interruptions of high school kids screaming, "You're so hot Cameron!! I want you Cameron!" "Come on you guys," she said tossing her shiny blond hair over her shoulder, “Please. I mean, it's totally awesome that you're here." Wink.
Like...totally. The patented Diaz eloquence wowed the crowd.
She then read her bit about Carlos Rojas, a videographer documenting violent atrocities against his indigenous ethnic group in Oaxaca. "Brutalized, attacked, imprisoned and tortured by the Mexican military, the Mixe found themselves without a voice," Cameron read. Then, looking up at the audience, puppy dog eyes wide, she ad libbed, "I think we all know what that feels like, right guys?" From the back of the auditorium came the response, "I want to do you, Cameron!" She smiled and waved. "You guys are so awesome!"
After the event, a reporter from the VC editorial staff caught up with Ms. Diaz to get the latest about her harrowing personal experiences with torture. Unfortunately, Ms. Diaz and Lucy Liu had to dash off to the rainforest to save the spotted tree frog, so we were left to Google up some Diazonian wit and wisdom from interviews past. But as luck would have it, we struck gold. Reading her words, it was clear this woman was no stranger to the dark nights of the soul:
"Growing up, I was the plain one. I had no style. I was the tough kid with the comb in the back pocket and the feathered hair."
I mean... can't you just *totally* imagine her pain and stuff? Growing up on the mean streets of those sleepy southern California beach towns and all? We'll bet the girls were, like, mean to her, too. But when we read this stunner, we just *wept* with sympathy:
"If you really want to torture me, sit me in a room strapped to a chair and put Mariah Carey's records on."
Cami's days on the rack had evidently driven her to despair... even to unimaginable orgies of self-abuse:
"I've banged my head quite a bit. I liked Iron Maiden, Ozzy, AC/DC. And of course, Ratt and Poison"
This rare glimpse into the inner Hell of a seemingly carefree movie star gave us new respect for the lives of the Hollywood elite. For who among us has not been brutilized, attacked, imprisoned, and tortured? Who among us has not banged their head when confronted with the dubious auditory joys of Ratt? Who has not been raped by the Bush administration?
The starz are, truly, just like us.
Via Betsy Newmark.
cross posted at Villainous Company