Sniper Stuff
GQ Magazine Wants Your Photos

The Rules of Drinking

For Phil in Georgetown tonight dressed as Elwood Blues...

Via Cathy B., here are the best rules (out of Eighty-Six) for Drinking. Comments are in italics.

2. Always toast before doing a shot.
With military people, it's usually "Absent Companions" or "Airborne!". With College buddies it's something that I can't repeat here.

3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.
Never EVER break this rule.

4. Change your toast at least once a month.

5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.
Maybe ten times...

6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
This one is for you, Uncle Ben...

9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.
Tip well and you don't have to worry about that so much...

11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.
You'd get your chops busted with my crowd...

12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.
See my response to number 11...

13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.

14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
Probably doesn't...but that's no excuse not to be a Gentleman about it. Move on.

16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
Maybe...that doesn't mean that you can start licking her neck, Phil.

17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.
That's called being a @#$%.

20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.
See response to number 11...

21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
Hhhmmm. My dad still drinks Manhattans. I'm more of a Scotch drinker.

22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.
See number 11 response...

23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.

24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.
Not a problem...

33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.

35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.

42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.

47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.

48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.

55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.

66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”

67. Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.

68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.

69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.

70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.

71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.

75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.

78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.

80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.

82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.

84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.

85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.

86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.

--Frank Rich