The Blackfive New Year's Hangover Cure
Tuesday, December 30, 2003
Since tomorrow will prove to be a light day on the blogosphere and I won't be posting on the 1st, I thought I would share my sure-fire, 100% guaranteed, several-step program for curing the mother-of-all-hangovers:
1. Water will not help you. Many hangover cures claim that drinking water will cut the pain and agony of a dehydration headache resulting from drinking heavily. Now, I want you people to repeat these words: Water is for washing, booze is for drinking. Say it over and over again until it is ingrained in your memory. If someone offers you water, tell them you are thirsty, not dirty.
2. Vitamins will do nothing for you. Vitamin C, B-Complex, B-12, and B-1,000,000 will not help at all. I emphatically recommend highly fatty foods like bacon, cheeseburgers, Philly cheese-steaks, fries, etc. It helps if you have a good buddy that hosts a brunch on New Year's Day. Get yourself one of those before trying vitamins - as those are only for athletes and health-enthusiasts. Stick to my advice and no hangover for you!
3. There are those blasphemers that believe that Cogeners are the cause. Evidently, cogeners are darker in color and, therefore, are found in darker beverages like scotch, whiskey, and rum. I have found that this "discovery" was fabricated by the Russian mafia in an effort to promote vodka as the drink of choice. This is obviously false as I have personally experienced more excruciating mornings as the result of vodka than scotch. Also, I recently had the pleasure of testing some blogger's excellent Belgian ale and wound up with a nice hangover. My hangover-avoidance advice: Drink scotch. Stay away from the Belgian ale.
4. Sex is a
good great hangover cure. This is NOT a lie spread by the Russian mafia (or the Bush Administration).
5. Keep drinking. If you keep drinking, no hangover. This is your best bet for curing/avoiding hangovers. I am going to start at about 7 or 8 PM tomorrow night and won't stop until about February.
Update: For those who take me too seriously, go here for helpful advice and then start drinking...