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August 2003

Blackfive's Shirley Temple Awards - Round 1

Blackfive says, "Hey, Jackass, let me buy you a drink". - A Shirley Temple
Okay, folks, here is the latest Blackfive list of people that I would like to buy a Shirley Temple:

5. Kobe Bryant - I would love to send this jackass a Shirley Temple. Now, don't get me wrong on my intent here. First, he may be innocent of rape (but guilty of adultery - which, in his own words, is not a crime). Second, he might be getting set up by the "racist" police department. But what I want to point out to this classic jackass is that you don't commit adultery, let alone admit it as if you had done nothing wrong, then accept the Teen Choice Award for Athlete of the Year...Nice example you are showing for the teens of America, Jackass! Real men don't cheat. Since you aren't one, have a Shirley Temple - I'm buying.

4. Alec Baldwin - Why is this Jackass still in this country? I believe he said that, if Bush won in 2000, he would move to Canada. Still waiting...although I think his last movie was Thomas the Tank Engine and he is filming Meet Your Meat for PETA. At least his career left the country. Hey, Alec, here's your Shirley Temple. Drink up.

3. Sean Penn - In a Jane Fonda-esque move, he goes to Iraq before the war to get answers. Hey, Jackass, how about using your riches and influence to feed the hungry or build a house for someone who needs shelter (Habit for Humanity, anyone?). No, you go to the enemy in search of answers. This guy needs to get beat like a 6 o'clock whore at 7pm. You can have two Shirleys, on me. Stupid Jackass.

2. Democratic Congressman Charlie Rangel (NY) - This guy puts the "ass" back in assassination. Accuses the Bush administration of assassinating the Hussein Boys. Yeah, rapists, mass-murdering, child killers shooting at our troops (who were trying to get them to surrender) got what they deserved...I don't even think Sadd-am Hussein thought this was an assassination. Congressman Rangel, as one vet to another, I would love to buy you a Shirley Temple. You can't use that "I am vet so, if you're not, then you don't understand" crap with me. You should be ashamed of yourself. Here's your drink.

Tied 1. Michael Moore - Big lying scumbag who wins an Academy Award for a documentary that contains moslty fabricated material (Nuclear Missles in Columbine, buying a weapon over the counter, etc. ad nauseum). This guy might possibly do more to harm America than any traitor we have ever had. When he uses the word "We" in his films, just remember that he is talking about him and his pet communist monkey...not the rest of us. If Michael Moore was on fire, I wouldn't even to bother to douse the flames with a Shirley Temple...waste of good grenadine and ginger ale.

Tied 1. Whoever Decided That Thongs Were For Men - So I was in St. Louis this weekend, and I visited Famous Barr to get a shirt. As I was walking by the men's department, there it was...Believe me folks when I say that this was the most disgusting use of a department store mannequin that I have ever witnessed (after all, I had one in my college dorm room). There, in the men's underwear section, was a male mannequin wearing a thong. Yech! Blah! Phatoey! Even the boys from Queer Eye For The Straight Guy would think it disgusting.


Blackfive wins the New Blog Showcase

Well, Blackfive - The Paratrooper of Love won the new blog showcase in a tie breaker with the PRC News. On Friday, I was thinking that it would be a shame for PRC to lose because the content is so much more relevant to the world than my blatherings.

My parents lived in China for more than a few years and are fans of the site - more so than fans of Blackfive.

Best of luck to PRC and Congratulations. We all expect big things from you!

And a big thanks to Frank J at IMAO...for starting it all by posting this true story about my collosal screw up that now seems to be a badge of honor. Mostly, I keep getting praise for it. And, every few days, I get a "you're a French bashing capitalist!" email which is even better because I am a French (government) bashing capitalist.

Blackfive


Blackfive Answers Email and Hatemail - Round 2

Johnny Bravo from South Carolina sends: Blackfive, what was the last book that you read?
Blackfive answers: Well, I had to read Good to Great by Jim Collins for work - it was really good and not one of those case-study-death-marches that you usually have to read for the boss. But I read Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix by my own choice. I am going to read The Davinci Code by Dan Brown next. Hey, thanks for the lame question.*

Jennifer R. from Texas writes: Hillary Clinton will be the next President of the United States.
Blackfive responds: Not if I can help it, stupid.

h from somewhere in hell writes: You realize that by celebrating the deaths of Uday and Qusay Hussein, you are just like them.
Blackfive responds: First, don't spoof email because this is the last time I respond to you without a valid email address - you must be afraid of something...something like logic or sanity. Second, I don't have my thugs drag women off of the streets of Paris so I can rape them, I don't put children in prison, and I don't perform medical experiments on anyone - innocent or not. Third, still celebrating...hey, Phil, pass me the beer nuts.

Jacksonian Democrat from Virginia wants to know: If I want to give someone the worst birthday shot of all time, what would it be?
Blackfive knows this one: Great question! A Gorilla Fart - one part Wild Turkey 101, one part Bacardi 151. Whatever you do, don't smell it. That's the key, drink it without smelling it and you may survive. I made the mistake of drinking one of these in a drinking contest with some Marine Recon guys - the Gorilla Fart was their choice.

Todt from Germany asks: Should Arnold run for governor in Californina?
Blackfive winces: As long as he stops that. "Whuj you talkin' bout, Willis?" stuff. Seriously, though, who the hell would want that job? If you want the Republicans to win Californian in 2004, then you need to have a Democrat keep screwing things up there.

Special thanks to BBrief, Spoons, Banagor, Margaret R., Jim, and Frank for their supportive comments...you people are great!

Round 1 is here.

Email addresses are not revealed in Blackfive Answers unless you break the law.

*Note: Johnny Bravo is a friend who looks like Greg Brady - no sh#t.


Blackfive's Take on Immigration Quotas

Here is a hypothetical situation:  You are the new Director of the INS.  Imagine you had a quota - say 100 new immigrants per day to allow into the USA.  When allowing people into the country, you have to choose between Mexicans and Arabs/Muslims, and you ask yourself the following questions:

    1.  Travel:  When looking up at the sky, upon seeing an airplane, do I worry that some crazy Mexicans have just hijacked it?

    2.  Weaponry: When at the hardware store, do I worry about the Mexicans buying box cutters for a use other than cutting boxes?

    3.  Quality of Life: Do I like Tequila more than...more than...oh well, do I like Tequila?

    4.  Jihad: Most Mexicans are Catholic, right?  Has the Pope or any of his minions recently declared Jihad on America?  Has Vicente Fox recently declared Jihad?  Hhhhm...How about Salma Hayek?  Mmmm...Salma.

    5.  Salma: Thinking of Salma, would you rather have Salma Hayek enter the country or ...?

Ponder these questions, and I believe you'll see why I am all for Mexicans...let 'em in I say.


Miller Lite Vs. Bud Light - A Vast Right-Wing Conspir-assy

I know, I know, with all that is going on in the world, you are wondering if this is the best that I can do...the answer would be "Yes". Hung over, tired, bruised, sun burned, and dehydrated....I feel great!

Chicago is a great place. Had a reunion with some Army buddies this weekend - drinking, fire engines, 2 White Sox games, squawking out Elvis tunes on the EL, explosions, midget transvestite hookers wearing viking helmets, more drinking - okay, okay the midget transvestites with the viking helmets were not really hookers.

Steve, a Chief Warrant Officer (and my former First Sergeant), was entertaining to say the least. We were in the Stadium Club at Comiskey Park (aka Cellular Field) ordering drinks:

Me to bartender, "Four Miller Lites, please."

Steve adamantly, "I'm not drinking Lite."

Bartender looks at me. I look at Steve.

I thought, Wow, maybe Steve wants Guiness or Harp. Never figured him to be a beer snob. IMHO, Harp is the nectar of the gods.

Me to Steve, "What do you want?"

Steve very serious, "Bud Light. That Miller Lite messes up my system!" Bartender goes into action.

The rest of us looked at him like he just praised Chirac or stated his profound love for Senator Clinton.

Me, "Yeah, right, it's the Miller Lite. Not that Chorizo and Cheese omlette you have there."

Dogpile on Steve!

Nate turning up the sarcasm, "Yeah, Matt, you didn't see him eat about $25 of Taco Bell last night....that had nothing to do with it, either. It has to be the Miller Lite."

Me, "$25 at Taco Bell?! You could feed a family of 8 for a week at Taco Bell for $25!" Seriously, you could order the whole menu twice and not spend $25.

Steve ate the Chorizo and Cheese omlette, hot wings, a polish sausage, and three baskets of peanuts...As my friend, Mr. Green says, you could definitely have set off a napalm enema in Steve's ass and he would still point to the Miller Lite as the culprit.

Update 05-09-05:  For those of you sent via Greyhawk or Mustang 23, there's more Chief Steve stuff here, here, and here.  There's more around this blog somewhere...


Blackfive Answers Email and Hatemail - Round 1

Original Blogspot Posting - June 26, 2003
Drew from San Diego writes: There was a great Time article on June 15th about SOF in Iraq. How come you weren't called up?
Blackfive responds: I am not retired. I resigned. Big difference there. To the military planners in the Pentagon, resigning is tantamount to betrayal. I was both concerned about getting called back to duty and hoping for it at the same time. This is very difficult for me to explain to anyone, and knowing my friends were over there in danger made it tougher for me to be here - marriage and fatherhood have changed me a bit, too...no, not just the extra 15 pounds I have gained, you bastards.

John R. from New Jersey writes: How do you live with yourself for insulting the French on daily basis?
Blackfive Answers: Easy. They suck. See postings on why they suck and check out the crappy job they are doing in Africa.

Blacksix from somewhere overseas writes: Blackfive you are still a big smartass!
This is from my former commander - one of the few West Pointers to stay in the Army past his obligation - basically, because he couldn't get a job anywhere else.
Blackfive Responds: As usual Sir, I have to point out that your question is not really a question but a statement. I think you should ask West Point for your money back…And you are correct, Sir.*

Thumper from Highland Park, Illinois writes: What would you do if you were the President of the US?
Blackfive Answers: I would be like a John McCain and George Bush (jr. and sr.) combo. Maybe mix in a little Johnny Walker Black and I would be a BAD ASS President! First, I’d do a Steve McQueen on France, that’s what! Then, I’d pull a John Wayne on North Korea. BAM! But I would only do a Ben Affleck to Iran ‘cause they are just plain crazy, man.

Jennifer R. from Santa Fe, NM writes: You are obviously a war-mongering Bush Hitler pig! Your commentary is boring and woefully lopsided and uneducated.
Blackfive Responds: Ah, well, equating Bush and Hitler is just plain wrong. If you can actually prove some kind (any kind) of correlation, I will post it on the site. My commentary, while hopefully not too boring, can be lopsided from a certain perspective...a certain, limousine-liberal, socialist-agenda-making, Martin-Sheen-loving, wussification of America, perspective. Ten bucks says you went to Wellesley or Berkeley and that you actually bought Hillary's book.

Irish Sergeant Major from Ft. Bliss, TX writes: After 13 years of knowing and serving with you, I still don't know how you happened to piss off your commanding general, insulted the french army, vocalized your opinion about how a former president should be put in jail, lived through several series of military [email protected]#$-ups, and still ended up at the top of the promotion list. How did you do it?
Blackfive Responds: One word answer - Blackmail. Long answer - took care of my men who took care of me. I keep wondering how the hell you wound up as a Sergeant Major. Especially, after the "Throwing CS Gas cannisters into a crowded McDonalds" incident. You make me look like a boy scout.

Johnny Bravo from South Carolina writes: Blackfive, what kinds of non-partisan activities do you do in your spare time?
Blackfive Answers: Spend time with my family and friends, reading Romance novels, and, oh yeah, right now I am really into playing Medal of Honor - Frontline on XBox. Nothing beats killing Nazi bastards with really cool automatic weapons...except drinking beer and killing Nazi bastards with really cool automatic weapons! I hate Nazis...

SexyIrene writes: Save Hundreds on your Viagra!!!!
Blackfive Answers: Ooops! Disregard.

Trade Wins from NYC writes: Hey, you scooped the WSJ with your Howard Dean rant! How did you do it?
Blackfive Answers: One, I didn't wait for the Meet The Press transcript to be published on Monday afternoon. My posting times are West Coast so I only really published a few hours ahead of WSJ. Two, James Taranto is a much better writer than I am. He explained the How-Weird Dean meanderings much better than I did. I didn't really scoop him...


*Note: First, you don't pay to go to West Point - upon graduation, you owe the government 5 years of military service. Non-West-Pointers make fun of West-Pointers. West Point is an awesome school and churns out great officers...but we still make fun of them. Second, Blacksix is one of the best commanders that I ever served with...I would go to Hell and back for that guy. He is probably getting shot at somewhere, putting his life on the line in order to succeed on a mission that no one will ever know about. THAT is courage, my friends, that is true courage and honor.

Round 2 is here.


Jessica Lynched By The Left

Jessica Lynch's rescue (and her subsequent battlefield story) has come under intense scrutiny from various media outlets. Recently, the New York Times' Nick Kristof, the BBC, and Democratic Presidential hopeful and Congressman Dennis Kucinich have accused the administration of fabricating the story. Essentially, that the Bush administration sensationalized the raid to free a POW in order to increase the public's perception of the military's prowess and administration's success. You know, it's kind of ironic that the Times is accusing anyone of embellishment these days...

Mr. Kristof's recent article is a bit more understanding of the 'Fog of War' and how simple events can become legend. He also details the possibility that Private Lynch was to be executed and narrowly escaped that fate. While definitely biased, Kristof is a decent writer - he can craft an opinion. I do have a few things to address about his articles, though.
Original Blogspot Posting - June 20, 2003
First, Kristof complains about how the raid was staged for our televisions. It is very reassuring to me that every military raid IS well thought out and practiced. But a well rehearsed raid does not equal staged for tv. If you were going in to a hostile environment, wouldn't you want to be confident that you were as ready as possible? Wouldn't you rehearse? Sure you would because YOU AREN'T STUPID!

Second, Kristof, the BBC and Kucinich spout off about how the hospital staff kept telling the Special Forces that it was safe for them to take Private Lynch. Okay, we'll trust the Iraqis - who are well known for their trustworthiness - and put away our weapons and we'll even knock politely on the door.

Navy Seal, "Hello, hello. Are there any Americans in there?"

This is ludicrous, insane, and anybody who spent any time in the military or police will tell you this is a dumb idea that would get you killed. The folks at the NY Times would be decrying the sloppy military if we had gone in unprepared and gotten ambushed.

Time will tell who is right and who is wrong (I'm betting against Kristof). We'll just have to wait and see...

Blackfive