Kim Jong-Il Is Not Happy With Blackfive

Posted By Blackfive

Apparently, my visit to China did not go unnoticed by the Great Reader...

Yo. Kim, I was busy.  Sorry.

Jihad Gene & Kim Jong Il in effect

Posted By Uncle Jimbo

About time in my mind, and hilarious as always Jihad Gene channels Great Reader Kim Jong Il and other notable nuttahs. Go take a look.

Looking For A Few Good Men...

Posted By The Wolf

...and women in service to their country from the last 5 years.

I've been mulling this over for a bit, and wondered how to pull this off, so I'll throw it up and see how we can make it happen.

I'd like to have submissions that you've seen or taken yourself in the following categories:

1.  Best Afghanistan photo & video
2.  Best Iraq photo & video
3.  Best Stateside photo & video
4.  Best quote of a Soldier/Sailor/Marine/Airman
5.  Best story- can be link, can be the entire story.
6.  Best composition- best described as some essay or powerpoint presentation that you've seen.

You can send me a link, the material itself, or whatever you can, so that we here at Blackfive can judge the entries.  We'll post them up here in a few weeks.  Original, never-before-seen material gets extra points.  Let's share the awesome work that our guys and gals have done!

I've got my favorites, but I'm not posting them up here until we have the other entries.  Maybe we'll post the faves of the Matty O'five staff.  Maybe the big guy will see this while he's on vacation and cut it short, coming back to pound my butt, I don't know.   Heck, maybe some of his vacation footage could end up here?   (hint hint)

Anyway, send it all to 'the dot mr dot wolf at gmail dot com'.  Thankfully, I have lots of storage (for now) left on the account.   Something tells me that may change soon.

-Wolf

St. Paddy's Tragedy: OMG, They Killed Blackfive!

Posted By Laughing_Wolf

The B******s!

It happened on the way to the pubs this morning. We'd warned him to be careful, but... Worst of all, it was a frelling lager! Not a bitter, a porter, or a proper stout, but a lager! You think you know someone...

LW
who cheerfully stole the image from Strategy Page's humor section. Enjoy the day, I am...

St. Patrick's Day Technology - The Science Experiment

Posted By Blackfive

Greetings from Timmy O'Toole's in Chicago! (Gracie's ain't open yet)

*Glug, glug, glug.  Ahhhh.*

Uncle Ben from the Filipino side of the family, an engineer and beer scientist, sends this Reuter's article on scientific analysis:

LONDON - People celebrating St. Patrick’s Day Wednesday can cross one topic of conversation off their lists.

Guinness bubbles really do sink.

Scientists said Monday they had finally proved that the dark stout’s creamy bubbles defy expectations and flow down instead of upwards.

I dispute this claim and will conduct many, I mean MANY, experiments today to disprove this theory!  It is my responsibility as an Irishman and graduate of the University of Chicago Physical Sciences Division to put this theory to a rigorous, accurate, and complete test.  I will even use MATH!

Oops.  Looks like they thought of that already. *Hey, Phil, pass me another one will you?  Thanks, pal.*

“Our group carried out preliminary experiments at a local pub a few years ago, but the results proved inconclusive,” said Dr. Andrew Alexander, from the University of Edinburgh’s School of Chemistry.

They first thought the dark liquid flowing down as a pint was poured gave the illusion the bubbles were going down as well.

Now close examination has revealed that, as a pint settles, bubbles touching the walls of the glass experience drag, similar to that a person feels sliding a finger along glass, and that prevents them floating up.

The bubbles in the middle however, are free to rise, creating a circular flow within the glass that causes bubbles at the edge to be pushed downwards on the inside surface of the glass.

The Edinburgh team, working with researchers at Stanford University in California have produced high-speed video footage of the sinking bubbles — to put at rest the minds of any drinkers who might have felt they were seeing things.

BRILLIANT!!!

Well, I still want to test this theory.  You can't trust anyone who goes to or graduates from a school without grades (*cough* Stanford *cough*). 

*Next pint, please.  Science will not be denied!*

St. Patrick's Day Technology - The Irish Palm Pilot

Posted By Blackfive

"Finally caught up with Matt. It was like trying to find Santa on Christmas Eve." - Uncle Ben, good friend (and reader) of Blackfive, on St. Patrick's Day in Chicago 2004

Here's the only technology that I'll need for the coming holiday (which started yesterday in Chicago and continues through the 17th - the south side Irish parade occurred yesterday  - you must witness it at least once in your life). 

Let's face it.  You don't have to worry about some amateur spilling his beer on your laptop...:

Announcing the Annual St Patrick's Day Ski

Posted By Grim

I'm not at liberty to be there myself, but perhaps some of you might enjoy it.

There Is an International Crisis at 3 A.M.; President Obama Answers the Call

Posted By Blackfive

...and he's sooo ready (be sure to read the comments).

I Gotta Get Me One-a Dese!...

Posted By The Wolf

New trailer out on IRONMAN.  Suppose this 'suit' is what the MC Commandant or the Corporal meant when they said they needed better protection?  I hope so.  This would REALLY make it easy to get thru Tora Bora...  I suppose though, that those currently cruzin' thru in Hummvee's aren't really listening to AC/DC- or Black Sabbath, for that matter.  Bit too old-school, I'd imagine.  Me?  I'm blaring Techno or Club...

-Wolf

Happy Valen-Tine's Day!

Posted By Laughing_Wolf

Let the followers of perpetual outrage seethe and riot, for we truly know the meaning of this day. For today is the day that Valen of blessed memory decreed that the One would clean the tines of all forks so as to not do other things to the girl, er, stay pure for that battle to come. Until such time as the One comes, each of us is to take this day and clean the tines in Valen's name.

To each of you, a Happy Valentine's Day! May it be filled with love, laughter, friendship, and as much impure and unchaste as you feel comfortable with. *VBEG*

LW
who wishes Andy were still here to groan and laugh at an old and bad Babylon 5 joke...

HamNation- Maverick v. Iceman "Super Tuesday"

Posted By Uncle Jimbo

MKH once again delivers the pure-ass heat with Mav and IceMan going head to head in the 1000 mph closing speed of Super Tuesday.

Zawahiri Q&A- al Qaeda goats & Islamic Rage Boy

Posted By Uncle Jimbo

Bumped from the weekend.

A while back al Qaeda asked for questions to be answered by their #2 Dr. Ayman al Zawahiri. Since bin Laden has trouble doing much of anything being dead and all, I have managed a pirate satellite link and have gotten answers to a few vital questions. Major revelations about al Qaeda's possible beef with PETA and also a scoop about Islamic Rage Boy's parentage. Animal love content, and Zeke calls Zarqawi an a-hole.

Do take a look at the Nose on Your Face's interpretation of Bill Clinton's MLK Day snooze, Brilliant.

More Zawahiri Q&A- Do you know Islamic Rage Boy?

Posted By Uncle Jimbo

I managed to get the old goat molester back on the satellite and asked him whether he knew Islamic Rage Boy. The answer was surprising and involved bin Laden and a lover with IRB as the lovechild. I added it to the 72 goats exchange and all in all it is a telling tale of al Qaeda's purity.

Zawahiri Q&A- What about those 72 Goats?

Posted By Uncle Jimbo

A while back al Qaeda asked for questions to be answered by their #2 Dr. Ayman al Zawahiri, since bin Laden has trouble doing much of anything being dead and all. Anyhow, our own Wolf here at B5 thought we should get in the mix so here is the first Q&A. It has to do with those 72 goats awaiting the jihadis in paradise. Content warning for when Zawahiri calls Zarqawi an assh**e, oh yeah and animal love.

And In This Corner...

Posted By The Wolf

 

Ok, now we have a REAL debate going- who is the better spokesman, and why?

Stories around the 'sphere have Rambo (Sly Stallone) pulling for McCain, against Chuck Norris, who we all know is pulling for The Huck. 

The question now is, who would YOU rather have as your spokesman, and why?

Me, I'd rather have Rambo.  Less talk, more action.  And who needs a damn pickup truck?  During his movies, my wife actually keeps a commies-killed count (VEHEMENTLY anti-communist; someday I'll 'splain).  And with his mumbling, how could you hold up his comments, pro- or con-?  You can't understand him anyway...

Fire away...

-Wolf

Hitler howls about Cowboys loss

Posted By Uncle Jimbo

Yeah you got it right, Adolph is a wicked Cowpokes fan and he does not take it well when he learns of their defeat. Courtesy of Hot Air's Bryan Preston a Pokes fan himself and someone I just met this week. Swearing auf Deutsch und English.

Troubling News on Media Veterans

Posted By Laughing_Wolf

In the spirit of the New York Times, comes this special investigative report "Bylines of Brutality" Obviously, a growing crisis that requires immediate and drastic action.

LW

Sniper Wonderland & Same Time Last Year

Posted By Uncle Jimbo

I took a look back at what we were writing about last December and I found this bit in a piece about who should succeed Gen. Abizaid as Commander in Iraq.

So give the gig to Petraeus, send another couple of boatloads of troops to secure Baghdad, and send him a bunch of satchels of cash to give to local sheiks and to fund local projects. Get our troops and the Iraqi troops among the people, living, securing, rebuilding. Oh and one last thing, LTG Petraeus...please bust a cap in Mookie's ass.

Well I got almost all of my wish list, and we all know the time for whacking Mook was back in 2004, once we chickened out we lost the opportunity.

Now that the main holiday has passed I will link the infamous "Walkin' in a Sniper Wonderland" both versions.

Iraqi Sniper Wonderland

From the top of the hill, a one shot kill
Walkin' in a Sniper Wonderland

Johnny Jihad slinks around a-spyin' (spyin')
So you stop and chamber another round
Shoot him in the head his brains go flyin' (flyin')
And you can watch him quiver on the ground

Later on, by the fire
We will build a funeral pyre
From the top of the hill, a one shot kill
Walkin' in a Sniper Wonderland

Local sheikh got sick of Johnny Jihad (Jihad)
So he told you just which hooch was his
Predator sends Hellfire, now it's all bad (all bad)
Remote sniping yeah, we're cool like this

Johnny's hooch, booms ongoin'
Johnny's toys, they're a-blowin'
From high in the sky, swift justice will fly
Walkin' in a Sniper Wonderland

The original: (Warning at least one baby is harmed in the singing of this song.)

Update: A fellow Oki asylum vet sends this hilarity that fits the theme perfectly.

Have you lost your edge test

Posted By Uncle Jimbo

Update: It's some kind of singles site rip off, what a bummer. I liked the whole whackin' 5th graders thing much better than Foxworthy's show.

OK I have posted way too many sweetness and light, milk of human kindness stories lately so holidays or not here we go. via JG at NRO who does not disclose his score.

How many fifth graders could you take in a fight?

Now you have to take this in the spirit it is intended. Assume the fifth graders are evil (easy), assume that you are ruthless when backed into a corner, and you ought to get at least a dozen or so. I have some advantages in bulk and training though and am consequently proud of my weasel count. Honestly, I don't think they have a Spartan/Sheepdog algorithm 'cuz I think I could have stacked 'em like cord wood.

34

Find a Ultrasound school near you

Uncle J TV- Hillary visits the troops

Posted By Uncle Jimbo

Sen. Clinton and her lover take a jaunt to commune with some of her biggest fans. Just another sign that politics is an ugly bidness. My apologies to the troops.

Then go here and watch someone funnier than me.

The Patented Blackfive Thanksgiving Turkey Recipe

Posted By Blackfive

[This post is an annual event here...]

The Bartender at Madfish Willie's reposts my patented Irish Paratrooper Turkey Recipe every Thanksgiving.  As I've had a lousy couple of weeks, this is going to be more true than he imagined...

Blackfive:  "How To Cook A Turkey"
1) Go buy a turkey.
2) Take a drink of scotch whisky (Laphroiag, Lagavulin, or Caol Ila).
3) Put turkey in the oven.
4) Take another 2 drinks of whiskey.
5) Set the degree at 375 ovens
6) Take 3 more whiskeys of drink.
7) Turn oven the on.
8) Take 4 whisks of drinky.
9) Turk the bastey.
10) Whiskey another bottle of get.
11) Stick a turkey in the thermometer
12) Glass yourself a pour of whiskey.
13) Bake the whiskey for 4 hours.
14) Take the oven out of the turkey.
15) Take the oven out of the turkey.
16) Floor the turkey up off of the pick.
17) Turk the carvey.
18) Get yourself another scottle of botch.
19) Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey.
20) Bless the saying, pass and eat out.

We Have Lost The War On Fire

Posted By Laughing_Wolf

And people wonder why I Harvey on my blogroll... Brill! Ab Brill! HT, Tammi.

LW
who figures we could all use a laugh about now...

I'm Not Coming Back

Posted By Laughing_Wolf

I've found something worth doing, worth pursuing, and so will not be returning. Instead, I'm

Continue reading "I'm Not Coming Back"

Uncle Jimbo Starring in "Unneccessary Force"

Posted By Blackfive

"James 'Uncle Jimbo' Hanson of Blackfive makes Dirty Harry look like Grandma Moses in this action-packed shoot-em-up!" - Some Movie Reviewer

Now this is some funny shi.......

Posted By Deebow

"Free Speech is not to be regulated like diseased cattle and impure butter.  The audience that hissed yesterday may applaud today, even for the same performance."

William O. Douglas

I have not seen anything about this in the Old Media.  Hmmmm.  I wonder why that is?  Could it be the wheels have come off of the Anti-war train for the Dems?  I mean, there hasn't been anything from See BS, NBS, ABS, CNN, PMSNBC etc.  Isn't this a major story?  Shouldn't the country be talking about this?  I am waiting for the nightly vigil stories carrying live coverage, much like every Old Media was doing when Cindy camped out in Crawford.

**crickets** 

This is truly one of the funniest reads of the day.  Make sure to read the whole thing. (h/t Michelle Malkin)

I think the added bonus is the little interview she gave to the Christian Science Monitor.

“I’ve had four or five months of people sitting outside my home, going into my garden in San Francisco and angering my neighbors,” Pelosi said at a gathering sponsored by the Christian Science Monitor.

Pelosi added that the squatters have engaged in decidedly non-neighborly behavior like hanging their clothes from the trees; moving in sofas, chairs and other “permanent living facilities”; and, oddly, building a large Buddha on the sidewalk in front of her home. “You can just imagine my neighbors’ reactions to all of this,” she said. “And if they were poor, and they were sleeping on my sidewalk, they’d be arrested for loitering, but because they have ‘impeach Bush’ across their chest, it’s the First Amendment.”

Code Pink says:

Lelsie Angeline: “We’re here to occupy her house, to show here what it feels like to be occupied.”

So, she can't get rid of a bunch of people for exercising their Constitutional rights.  Bet she thought it was pretty funny when they were all in Crawford huh?  Can't arrest them for loitering because they have "impeach Bush " on them?  Truly, this can only happen in San Fran Sicko. 

I would love to know what Grandma Pelosi thinks of some dirty, stinky hippies who are basking in the freedom that me and my fellow soldiers are providing to her and these dirt-bags who are exercising their First Amendment rights? How do you like their free speech now Nancy?

Me, oh I like them alright.  I like them just fine....

Ask The Wolf...

Posted By The Wolf

...anything you want.  I've got a 'light' weekend ahead, so I'll have some time to respond to queries and inquisitive people.

Post a question in the comments, or email me a the.mr.wolf at gmail.  I'll post all here and in comments.

Just remember, a Wolf just may bite...

-W

Continue reading "Ask The Wolf..."

Live Blogging the Terrorist Speech at Columbia

Posted By Blackfive

Frank J. has some selected excerpts from the President of Iran's visit to Columbia University.  My fave quote is:

"You guys are great; I'll kill you last."

Check it out.

Some Levity Might Be In Order - The Bourne Ultimatum

Posted By Blackfive

Just to prove that Matt Damon (say like Team America now, Matttt Day-munnn) has a sense of humor:

National Lampoon's "72 Virgins - The Movie"

Posted By Blackfive

I've gotten about forty emails from you guys about this video from National Lampoon - you can vote to have them make the trailer into a movie.

This is highly offensive and in bad taste.

I love it. (especially the George Clinton tune at the end)

If this wasn't a family blog, I'd institute this policy immediately

Posted By Blackfive

However, if the funds purchased the Blackfive Office a keg of Guinness, well, then, GAME ON!

UPDATE:  One reason I love hanging out here, you f#$%ers f#$%ing kill me!

This Weekend at the Movies

Posted By Blackfive

Photo above via the big Ragu.

FYI -  took my wife on a date to see Pirates of the Caribbean at World's End.  Since there is not enough time to esplain, let me sum up: The first half of Pirates At World's End was good, energentic, and fun (although the beginning where children were executed by hanging was completely inappropriate for a Disney movie, no matter the rating); however, the second hour and a half was a complete waste of time.  Complete. Waste. Of. Time.  The plot to raise the goddess of the sea went nowhere after an hour and the ending was totally ambiguous...just horrible.  At one point, I actually asked my wife what the he!! was going on.

Don't go see it.

Happy May Day, Commies!

Posted By Blackfive From Those Shirts, Anti-Che wear...

And from one of our favorite sponsors:

From the most excellent Ranger Up

Chris Muir Does It Again

Posted By Laughing_Wolf

Heh. Thanks for a laugh and some food for thought to start the morning.

LW

Three days away from St. Patrick's Day

Posted By Blackfive

"Finally caught up with Matt. It was like trying to find Santa on Christmas Eve." - Uncle Ben, good friend (and reader) of Blackfive, on St. Patrick's Day in Chicago 2004

I cannot be at the Gathering of Eagles on the 17th because I had committed to an official duty on St. Patrick's Day here in Chicago (hint: watch the parade).  I would be at the Gathering otherwise (and, in fact, the President of my corporation will be there at my request - he's a viet nam vet who wants to defend the Wall). 

If you are stuck in Chicago and want to hang with me and my pals (Slop, Joey the Thumb, Philsie, the Big Kahuna, and Uncle Ben from the Filipino-Irish side of the family) send me an email...

I may try to live blog it with my Irish Palm Pilot (photo below - patent pending...).

Other St. Patrick's Day posts here and here.

Treat St. Patrick's Day Like a Real Holiday!

Posted By Blackfive

Matty O' here to remind everyone that St. Patrick's Day is coming.  To get you moving towards the spirit of St. Patrick's Day in Chicago, here is my favorite video about my favorite sustenance...

It's Movie Week!

Posted By The Wolf

Okay, it's Hollyweird Weekend, and the Oscars are the buzz.  With that in mind, I wanted to put up something fun this weekend, and see what happens.  Time to pick/relate our favorite war flicks.  Which ones do you watch, and why?  Which ones do you hate, and why?  Is there one you would like to see re-made?  I know of several that there is NO WAY they could be re-made and be anywhere near as good- even if Spielberg himself made them.

Flip it to see what's what and let us hear it!

Wolf

Continue reading "It's Movie Week!"

They want it, lets give it to them...

Posted By The Wolf

Well, I'm going to dwell on this subject, because the MSM and some of their columnists just can't seem to get it thru their simple minds that soldiers take this abuse, have taken it, and I'm calling them on it.  I'm not going to let them make light of it, nor dismiss it as 'urban myth'...

In today's Slate column, Jack Shafer re-hashes an old column from 2000 that reiterates a lame book by Jerry Lembcke, whereby he claims that because no single event was ever documented by the media, the claim that vets were or have been spit upon is indeed an urban myth.

Mr. Shafer would like to hear from you if you have proof.  Well Mr. Shafer, if that's so, I hope your IT staff has put a new tera-bit server up, because here it comes...

Continue reading "They want it, lets give it to them..."

Blackfive's Thanksgiving Recipes

Posted By Blackfive

[Another repost for the holiday]

The Bartender at Madfish Willie's reposts my patented Irish Paratrooper Turkey Recipe every Thanksgiving.  As I've had a lousy couple of weeks, this is going to be more true than he imagined...

How To Cook A Turkey
1) Go buy a turkey.
2) Take a drink of scotch whisky (Laphroiag, Lagavulin, or Caol Ila).
3) Put turkey in the oven.
4) Take another 2 drinks of whiskey.
5) Set the degree at 375 ovens
6) Take 3 more whiskeys of drink.
7) Turn oven the on.
8) Take 4 whisks of drinky.
9) Turk the bastey.
10) Whiskey another bottle of get.
11) Stick a turkey in the thermometer
12) Glass yourself a pour of whiskey.
13) Bake the whiskey for 4 hours.
14) Take the oven out of the turkey.
15) Take the oven out of the turkey.
16) Floor the turkey up off of the pick.
17) Turk the carvey.
18) Get yourself another scottle of botch.
19) Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey.
20) Bless the saying, pass and eat out.

There's more at the Bartender's....

Genius

Posted By Blackfive

Scott Ott is a freakin' genius...just sayin'...

One Man's Grenade is another's...

Posted By Blackfive

I don't know where to begin writing about this "terrorist"...

Which is scarier, mom or airport security?

Afraid to I.D. sexual aid in earshot of mother, man tells guards it’s a bomb

The Associated Press

CHICAGO - Cook County prosecutors say a 29-year-old man traveling with his mother desperately didn't want her to know he'd packed a sexual aid for their trip to Turkey. So he told security it was a bomb, officials said.

Madin Azad Amin was stopped by officials on Aug. 16 after guards found an object in his baggage that resembled a grenade, prosecutors said...

Continue reading "One Man's Grenade is another's..."

The 12th Imam is HERE!

Posted By Blackfive

Bruce reports that our Intelligence Agencies have found him.  Click the link for the photographic evidence that he exists.

The 12th Imam

Here's some background about the whole August 22nd/12th Imam belief:

Speculation Rages About Iran's Plans for August 22
By Patrick Goodenough
CNSNews.com International Editor
August 21, 2006
<...>
An article published by the pan-Arabic media organization al-Bawaba noted Ahmadinejad's adherence to the Shi'ite belief in the 12th imam - also known as the "hidden" imam, Mahdi, who disappeared more than a thousand years ago but has been miraculously kept alive, pending his emergence at a time of global chaos and war.

"Some believe that Imam Mahdi will be returning some time this August, also the time some military experts predict that Iran will be ready to construct its first nuclear weapon," it said.

"Apparently, Ahmadinejad sees himself as an instrument to pave the way for the arrival of Imam Mahdi as well as an important successor to Saladin in terms of the liberation of Jerusalem."...

The World Cup

Posted By Blackfive

Mrs. Blackfive and I were at a local pub watching the World Cup Final of Italy versus France.  Because France was one of the competitors in the final, we were for Italy.

Mrs. Blackfive is an English Football afficionado and knows her stuff.  Me?  Not so much, but soccer does ensure quality drinking won't have you miss very much.  Right?

So readers have been emailing various funny stuff about the match.

After following the games so far, I found this video about the Italians quite humorous, if not very, very true:

But then there was the Frenchie head butt:

Not very sportsmanlike...

Happy Birthday Joe!

Posted By Blackfive

Days late, dollars short.  It's my pal Joe's Birthday over at Drunken Wisdom...

Here's a picture of the time me and Joe went surfing (not work safe and drink alert).  Surprisingly, he had a few beers before the picture was taken.

And then there was the time Joe and I went to the Phish concert. It's El-Josepho!

 

At least he wore appropriate headgear.

The secret of success during interviews...

Posted By Blackfive

...is a "fly mint green shirt"^TM.

I thought that would be obvious.

MSNBC's Connected with Buzz Patterson

MilBlog Conference - Fox even has a pic of me in a fly mint green (sweater)

CNN's On the Story

Good luck Jim.  Have fun with it... for all cryin' out loud, DON'T FORGET THE "FLY MINT GREEN SHIRT"!^TM

Update: I always wear the mint green on the golf course, too.  It matches my golfing headgear...

While we're having a Wuzzadem Love Fest...

Posted By Blackfive

...I thought I'd remind you all of this post which still makes me laugh almost a year later...

Fox News Reporters Have More Fun

Put your favorite Wuzzadem post in the Comments.  Use http:// to make links active.

The Solution

Posted By Blackfive

Via friends Rich and Roger, this email is making the rounds:

A win, win, win solution:

Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border. Take the dirt, raise the levies in
New Orleans, and put the Florida alligators in the moat.

Reasons for Lying - Jesse MacBeth, Assclown Ranger

Posted By Blackfive

I'm just gonna get this started...keep it going in the comments.

From the Home Office In Chicago, David Letterman's Top Ten List of Reasons Why Jesse "Assclown" MacBeth lied about being an Army Ranger:

10.  He needed the cash from IVAW for Hooked-On-Phonics.

9.  Saying "I killed over 200 muslims at close range in a Mosque" seemed tougher than saying "I cooked over 200 hamburgers on the range at Mo's."

8.  Wanted to join Scott Ritter at Al Jazeera (purely for the healthcare benefit).

7.   Not much work doing elDebarage impersonations at Bar Mitzvahs.

6.  Damning testimony improves your chances of dating