Today I found myself trapped against my will at Bagram Air Base. As with all tourists, I went to the PX, ate at the Popeye's, and then went to get one of the world famous $30 massages.
A 95 lbs Filipino woman came out and started the message. She was rough, but I needed it. As she worked on my legs, I really started to relax. But when she started massaging my abdomin, it happened. Bear in mind it wasn't on purpose by any stretch. I was just all good one minute, and then the next minute, boom went the dynamite. That's right, I let out a popeye's chicken fart that was audible over the noise in the other room.
Now, I know that in some foreign countries it is customary to belch after a meal to show how much you enjoyed it. I'm not sure if fecal saturation of an enclosed room with a young filipino lass is the same as that or not. I was unsure what to do exactly. Do I laugh hysterically and blame it on the FOB Andar chow? Do I apologize profusely, and recommend she clear the neighboring stalls before it wafts over and I have to listen to people choking? Do I just yell "Save yourselves!" and run for the bunker in my shorts?
Completely at a loss. And, as this is Bagram I am likely to get delayed tomorrow, and I peg the chances of this happening again at roughly 40%. Help me Infantrymen, you're my only hopes.
I met this really cute guy last year, and we hit it off right away. It seemed to be love at first sight; he was rich, I am cute, and we had a lot in common. We met, sparks flew; he said he loved me, and I believed him. He promised to take care of me 'for the rest of my life'. Feeling swept up in the moment, we made love. He confessed it was his first time; that I would be his first, forever. That made my heart go even further for him. I couldn't believe my luck... Even tho he was much younger than me, I could tell- this could be the one. Finally, the one...
Being it was his first time, it was over all too soon. We finished, and left the men's room. He went back on stage, and I went back home and to my room.
Now, I've carried his child and borne him a son, yet he won't return my calls or even acknowledge my existence. Tell me Infantryman, whatever should I do? How can I convince him I'm the one for him, and this is our child together?"
Men's Room Enjoyment
You're effed. Literally. Stone up- find a real man. Follow the uniform- he will never lead you astray like that, and will stand up for what's right. Here, you found but a boy; not a man you SHOULD have. Hear that knocking? Should be the cops coming for you, you molester, you. You need help, but not the kind I'D send for you.
For all you real ladies out there, check this out if you are seeking love. A real love:
Military relationships are challenging, but here are 7 good reasons to date a military man.
1. Conviction Nothing says sexy more than someone who is putting his life on the line to protect your freedoms and rights. Joining the military is a choice; by serving his country, you know he has strong ideals and is willing to fight for them. And he'll stand by them.
2. He is in great physical shape Let's not pretend that the fact he's probably in the best shape of his life doesn't turn you on. The rigorous training he is committed to is part of his daily routine, and you get to reap the benefits of his occupation's strict physical and dietary habits. We'll salute to that. Especially if he's in Special Forces. My God man, how can you top that one?
3. Potential for love letters Because your relationship will probably be long-distance at certain points and for long periods of time, communication becomes essential. This means lots of emails, chats, phone conversations, and snail mail. The possibility of epic literary confessions of love is immense. While Dear John letters are also likely, the scent of his letters, and the anticipation of them becomes a burning desire...
4. Independence and co-dependence Because he is often in unfamiliar environments, you know that he can take care of himself. He is trained to survive hostile circumstances and protect his fellow soldiers, so he knows what it takes to work as a team. He knows how to work together for a common goal, but he can also assess a difficult situation and figure out a solution on his own. This can translate well for relationships. After all, love can be a battlefield, too.
5. He takes directions well The military is all about structure, order and rules. If he can survive taking commands from his superiors, you know that he won't mind too much when you ask him to help you with the dishes every once in a while—or when you start ordering him around in the bedroom. Just don't expect him to ASK for directions...
6. He can keep his room neat Due to the discipline practiced in the barracks, you can count on him to pick up after himself and keep his personal affects in order. You can thank his drill sergeant for that one. And you can believe his sock drawer will be neater than your bra drawer...
7. The uniform It's not just because the tailored cut of a uniform perfectly accentuates his physical assets. A uniform represents discipline, strength, courage, and fellowship—all traits that make for great partners. We are often attracted to men in uniform because of the message it sends to us: this is a person in a position of authority who can provide us with safety and whose job is to protect us from the dangers of the world.
I have been dating "Claude" for eight months. We are planning a trip in the fall to visit his family's chateau in France. Claude has long legs and refuses to travel in coach because it's uncomfortable, so he will buy a business-class ticket for himself and a coach ticket for me.
While I'm grateful Claude is paying for my ticket, I feel that since we're a couple, we should travel together. I don't want to be upgraded to business class necessarily, but I'd like him to sit in coach with me. When I brought this up, he refused and is now calling me "ungrateful."
My feelings are hurt, and Claude can't understand why I am upset. My friends and family think he is acting rude and selfish. I can't help but agree. Do I have a right to be upset? I am so uncomfortable with this arrangement that I'm considering not even going.
-- NOT UNGRATEFUL IN SAN DIEGO
Grunts, post your wise advice in the Comments section.
A few weeks ago, I was having a liquid lunch with a bunch of military friends. One of whom is named Jim Nasium. Now, Jim was a graduate of one of the nation's finest military colleges, but spent his entire time as an enlisted Infantry soldier, earning a CIB in Afghanistan. This is very admirable.
But soon, among Rangers, SF Soldiers, and leg Infantry, the talk turned to long road marches. One of our lady friends asked us how we kept blisters from forming on a 12 or 25 mile road march. I replied, "Pantyhose".
She laughed a bit. And then I explained, "The pantyhose reduces the friction between your skin and your sock. It works like a charm. All you do is get an old pair and cut them at the calf..."
It was at this point that my friend Jim interrupted, "Cut them off?! Why would you do that?"
"Wait." Long pause. "You don't mean to say that you actually wore pantyhose?!" I looked around the room at the others who were laughing but shaking their heads to get me to stop this line of questioning.
So, Infantrymen, I ask you: Is it perfectly acceptable for Jim Nasium to wear full pantyhose on a long ruck march?
Infantrymen! We await your wise guidance in the Comments.
Ask an Infantryman: How to Break up with your girlfriend
Posted By Uber Pig
Sorry for my blogging dry spell. I've been working on a software startup that's taking a lot out of me. But the other day I got an email from a stud who's about to deploy, and had to take a minute out to put it up on his behalf:
Dear Mr. Pig,
I'm a Para-Rescueman from Sacramento getting ready to deploy for my second time to Afghanistan. I'm looking forward to the deployment. Shit, in this humble airman's opinion, there's nothing more awesome than deploying to the Stan as a PJ. It's kind of like being Charlie Sheen, but instead of banging porn stars left and right I get to save lives. Sadly, there exists a rather large bumblebee in my astroglide. See, I've been dating this girl for the last few years, but she's just way too into me. She's knitting me scarves and so on, and all my boys think they're gay. Kind of like that other Jon Cryer guy from 2.5 Men. Plus she has this way of insinuating herself into relationships with my brosephs that I don't appreciate. You know, like trying to set them up with her not very attractive friends. I mean, seriously, my friends are warrior monks, with chiseled physiques and IQ's you would not believe. They date swimsuit models with PhD's, not meter maids with goiter. Anyway, just as I was getting ready to give her the whole "it's not me baby, it's you" speech over surf & turf at my local Outback Steakhouse, she told me she had a present for me. And then she turned around in our booth and showed me this present. And to my chagrin, the present was a tattoo of my name on her left buttock, and then this little + (plus) symbol and then her name + "4ever."
I spit out my Bloomin' Onion. Through my f!@#ing nose.
And then I lost my nerve, totally aborting the mission.
So yeah, anyways, my question is simple: How do you break up with a girl who has your name tattooed on her left buttock?
-- Motivated in Mountainview
As always, your advice in the comments below please.
SOLDIER IN IRAQ LOOKS FORWARD TO PEACE AND QUIET AT HOME
DEAR ABBY: I am a female member of the military, stationed for the past
nine months in Iraq. I recently received a letter from a friend who is
having problems in her marriage. She has asked to move in with me when
I return to the states in about three months. She says it's only until
she gets back on her feet.
no way I can let that happen. She has too much drama in her life, and I
have grown accustomed to living by myself. When I get home, all I want
is peace and quiet. How can I tell her that I don't want a roommate
without hurting her feelings? -- PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST
Former Paratrooper and Army Officer, "Blackfive" started this blog upon learning of the valorous sacrifice of a friend that was not reported by the journalist whose life he saved. Email: blackfive AT gmail DOT com
Retired Special Operations Master Sergeant, Jim Hanson ("Uncle Jimbo") is now focused on writing about the military, politics, intelligence operations and foreign policy. Email: jimbo AT unclejimbo DOT com
Writer, photographer, and raconteur C. Blake Powers is the Laughing Wolf. He is independent in politics and covers topics including journalism, military, weapons, preparedness, space, science, cooking, food and wine, product and book reviews, and even spirituality. Email: wolf1 AT laughingwolf DOT net Laughing Wolf's Amazon Wish List
Bill Paisley, otherwise known as Pinch, is a 22 year (ongoing) active and
reserve naval aviator. He blogs over at www.instapinch.com on a veritable
cornucopia of various and sundry items and will bring a tactical naval
aviator's perspective to Blackfive. Readers be warned: any comments of or
about the F-14 Tomcat will be reverential and spoken in low, hushed tones.
Email: wpaisley AT comcast DOT net
Mr. Wolf has over 26 years in the Army, Army NG, and USAR. He’s Airborne with 5 years as an NCO, before becoming an officer. Mr. Wolf has had 4 company commands. Signal Corp is his basic branch, and Public Affairs is his functional area. He recently served 22 straight months in Kuwait and Iraq, in Intel, PA, and senior staff of MNF-I. Mr. Wolf is now an IT executive. He is currently working on a book on media and the Iraq war. Functional gearhead.
In Iraq, he received the moniker of Mr. Wolf after the Harvey Kietel character in Pulp Fiction, when "challenges" arose, they called on Mr. Wolf...
Email: TheDOTMrDOTWolfAT gmail DOT com
Deebow is a Staff Sergeant and a Military Police Squad Leader in the Army National Guard. In a previous life, he served in the US Navy. He has over 19 years of experience in both the Maritime and Land Warfare; including deployments to Southwest Asia, Thailand, the South Pacific, South America and Egypt. He has served as a Military Police Team Leader and Protective Services Team Leader and he has served on assignments with the US State Department, US Air Force Security Police, US Army Criminal Investigation Division, and the US Drug Enforcement Administration. He recently spent time in Afghanistan working with, training and fighting alongside Afghan Soldiers and is now focused on putting his 4 year Political Science degree to work by writing about foreign policy, military security policy and politics.
McQ has 28 years active and reserve service. Retired. Infantry officer. Airborne and Ranger. Consider my 3 years with the 82nd as the most fun I ever had with my clothes on. Interests include military issues and policy and veteran's affairs.
Email: mcq51 -at - bellsouth -dot- net
Tantor is a former USAF navigator/weapon system officer (WSO) in F-4E Phantoms who served in the US, Asia, and Europe. He is now a curmudgeonly computer geek in Washington, DC, picking the taxpayers pocket. His avocations are current events, aviation, history, and conservative politics.
Twenty-three years of Active and Reserve service in the US Army in SF (18B), Infantry and SOF Signal jobs with operational deployments to Bosnia and Africa. Since retiring he's worked as Senior Defense Analyst on SOF and Irregular Warfare projects and currently ensconced in the emerging world of Cyberspace.
Major Pain --
A Marine who began his blog in Iraq and reflects back on what he learned there and in Afghanistan. To the point opinions, ideas and thoughts on military, political and the media from One Marine’s View. Email: onemarinesview AT yahoo DOT com
Uber Pig was an Infantryman from late 1991 until early 1996, serving with Second Ranger Battalion, I Corps, and then 25th Infantry Division. At the time, the Army discriminated against enlisted soldiers who wanted use the "Green to Gold" program to become officers, so he left to attend Stanford University. There, he became expert in detecting, avoiding, and surviving L-shaped ambushes, before dropping out to be as entrepreneurial as he could be. He is now the founder of a software startup serving the insurance and construction industries, and splits time between Lake Tahoe, Boonville, and San Francisco, CA.
Uber Pig writes for Blackfive a) because he's the proud brother of an enlisted Civil Affairs Reservist who currently serves in Iraq, b) because he looks unkindly on people who make it harder for the military in general, and for his brother in particular, to succeed at their missions and come home in victory, and c) because the Blackfive readers and commenters help keep him sane.
COB6 spent 24 years in the active duty Army that included 5 combat tours with service in the 1st Ranger Battalion and 1st Special Forces Group . COB6 was enlisted (E-7) and took the OCS route to a commission. COB6 retired a few years back as a field grade Infantry officer.
Currently COB6 has a son in the 82nd Airborne that just returned from his third tour and has a newly commissioned daughter in the 4th Infantry Division.