Today I found myself trapped against my will at Bagram Air Base. As with all tourists, I went to the PX, ate at the Popeye's, and then went to get one of the world famous $30 massages.
A 95 lbs Filipino woman came out and started the message. She was rough, but I needed it. As she worked on my legs, I really started to relax. But when she started massaging my abdomin, it happened. Bear in mind it wasn't on purpose by any stretch. I was just all good one minute, and then the next minute, boom went the dynamite. That's right, I let out a popeye's chicken fart that was audible over the noise in the other room.
Now, I know that in some foreign countries it is customary to belch after a meal to show how much you enjoyed it. I'm not sure if fecal saturation of an enclosed room with a young filipino lass is the same as that or not. I was unsure what to do exactly. Do I laugh hysterically and blame it on the FOB Andar chow? Do I apologize profusely, and recommend she clear the neighboring stalls before it wafts over and I have to listen to people choking? Do I just yell "Save yourselves!" and run for the bunker in my shorts?
Completely at a loss. And, as this is Bagram I am likely to get delayed tomorrow, and I peg the chances of this happening again at roughly 40%. Help me Infantrymen, you're my only hopes.
Infantryman, sign me-
''Not Mike Yawn''