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Excerpt from the Oliver Stone Screenplay: "Obama" (MPAA Rating -- "NC17"

Posted By Uber Pig • [September 24, 2009]

MPAA Rating:  NC17

 

ACT II, SCENE 3

Characters: GENERAL STANLEY MCCHRYSTAL, erect posture, brow furrowed, gaunt frame, thoroughbred stride. McChrystal striding down a White House corridor, away from the Oval Office.  PRESIDENT OBAMA has just finished explaining that he is considering replacing proven counterinsurgency techniques in Afghanistan with a new plan proposed by VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN.  The new plan relies in equal parts on a) ninjas and b) trading hundreds of thousands of "Best of Yusuf Islam/Cat Stevens" 8-tracks to Pashtun teenagers in return for their promises to enlist in the Afghan Army. JOE BIDEN, golf-ball white teeth, transplanted hair, checking his twitter account on his iPhone, walking toward the Oval office. Biden stops, looks up, holds out his hand to McChrystal:

Joe Biden: "Hey Stan."

The Man: ...

Joe Biden: "Sorry. Stanley? I always get confused with you military guys, about what I should call you."

The Man: ...

Joe Biden: "General McChrystal?"

(General McChrystal gives Biden a feral smile, holds out his right hand. Biden grabs it, then puts his left on McChrystal's bicep, a la Bill Clinton.)

The Man: "Mr. Vice President."

Joe Biden: "Hey listen, Stan, I’m sorry about this whole report thing where I recommended troop reductions to B-Rock. It’s just that we’ve been in Afghanistan for 8 years already and nothing to show for it except a disputed election for this Karzai guy.  We need results.  Yesterday."

The Man: ...

Joe Biden: "And as you know, nobody has ever conquered Afghanistan. Hitler couldn’t do it. Napoleon couldn’t do it. Heck, even Admiral Hirohito lost 4 aircraft carriers to the Taliban back in the World War I."

The Man: ...

Joe Biden: "I mean, I’ve crunched the numbers. We’re spending 30 dollars in Afghanistan for every one dollar we spend in Pakistan. And Pakistan is what matters. Pakistan is the "schwerpunkt.""

The Man: ...

Joe Biden: "Yeah. Schwerpunkt. You know that word?  I love that word.  German word. Great word. Learned it from Sarkozy. There’s just no better language than German to explain certain concepts, you know? Schadenfreude. Fellatio.  Zeitgeist. Gestalt. Botox.  Weltanschauung.  Colonoscopy.  Edamame.  But I digress."

The Man: ...

Joe Biden: "You drinking what I’m pouring here, Stan?"

The Man: ...

Joe Biden: "To give you an idea, this decision would be like if you were at the Waldorf-Astoria, and on this one tray, there was this piece of ceviche, or something delicious like that, you know? And next to it was this other tray with, like, 30 more pieces of delicious ceviche. But there’s a fire or something disastrous like that in the kitchen, and you need to just get outta there, dig? And you don’t want to leave the ceviche, but you can only save one tray.

The Man: ...

Joe Biden: "So you save the tray with the 30 pieces of ceviche, right? I mean, am I right? Or am I right?"

The Man: ...

Joe Biden: "The tray with one piece of ceviche, see, that’s Afghanistan."

The Man:

Joe Biden:  "And the tray with the thirty pieces of ceviche, that's Pakistan."

The Man: "Yes, Mr. Vice President. I see your point."

Joe Biden: "Now don’t get me wrong, me and Harry and Nancy and the rest of the Capitol Hill gang think building schools and paving roads is good. But last I checked, those schools and roads aren’t union jobs, now are they?"

The Man: "Of course, Senator. I know all about how Congress works."

Joe Biden: "So I says to Rahm: "Time for a shift in strategy." And you know what? B-Rock agrees."

The Man: ...

Joe Biden: "I mean, I'm not one of these pussy cats who thinks America's best days are behind us."

The Man: ...

Joe Biden: "Seriously, you don't think I'm one of these pussy cats, do you??

The Man: ...

Joe Biden: "Because I'm not."

The Man: ...

Joe Biden: "Like I said, I was totally on board six months ago with the old strategy, back when we brought you on board to help execute, provide security, all that 'ink blots' hocus pocus, you know -- where we try to keep terrorists from splashing acid on schoolgirls faces?  Remember?  That sort of thing.  Like my good friend George Bush tried so unsuccessfully in Iraq.  But the American people -- who I have always loved, because hey, let's be honest, I'm one of them -- are ready for a change.  They need hope.  They need freshness.  From a clean-cut kid like B-Rock.  No more of this tired, empty Washington partisan rhetoric, the kind we Americans would have gotten from my esteemed former colleague and friend, John McCain."

The Man: ...

Joe Biden: "Seriously, Stan. Where was I?  Oh yeah.  I’m not a pussy cat. Truth.  Remember those pirates off the coast of Somalia? I was like, "You know what, Rahm, we just should tell B-Rock to have some of our ninjas pop some caps into their skinny asses. At night. From a moving position. Onto a moving target. Through glass.  Bobbing up and down. Three simultaneous head shots. Like at a carnival. That's what I told B-Rock he should do.  And he did it. And you know what?  I was right.  Ninjas are so TOTALLY where it's at."

The Man: ...

Joe Biden:  "And afterward, Rahm was like, "Excellent suggestion broseph --  I mean Joseph! -- Make those skinnies think twice before messing with Uncle Sam."

The Man: ...

Joe Biden: "And then Rahm is like, "but maybe it would be a better idea to minimize your seminal role in all of this.  Make this look like Barry's play.  Give him some confidence, you know?" And of course, I'm a team player, you know that, B-Rock knows that, Billary knows that, and I agreed to go along, so you can't let that story get out, okay?"

The Man: "Hooah, Mr. Vice President, I can keep a secret."

Joe Biden:  "Of course you can, Stan.  Never doubted it.  Anyways, me and Rahm, we were so pumped up after that.  By the way, did you know that Rahm was in the Israeli Army? He was, like, some kind of Mossad paratrooper slash assassin slash hacker – Anyway, Rahm was so excited afterward that he did this thing where he flipped off these dead notional pirates. Except here's the thing, dawg.  Let me knowledge you with something cool.  Let me open your eyes to this bodaceous fact:  Rahm doesn’t even HAVE a middle finger.  Seriously.  Where it's supposed to be is just this, like, this nub.  Next time you see him, check that shit out."

The Man: ...

Joe Biden: "And let me tell you -- I see Rahm's finger all cut off and gone like that -- or more specifically, I see the place above the nub, above which is where his finger should be, but is not, and I can't help wonder what happened to it.  Like, I bet he was totally gutting some Palestinian terrorist with a butter knife, and it slipped when old Mustafa made a death spasm or something.

The Man: "You sure about that?"

Joe Biden: ...

The Man: ...

Joe Biden:  "Why, Stan, you hear a different story?"

The Man:  "I heard he lost it when he was a kid, working at Arby's."

Joe Biden: ...

The Man: ...

Joe Biden: "Yeah whatever.  Don't let yourself get bogged down too much in details, Stan.  Anyway, the very fact that Rahm was flipping the bird with this missing middle finger, it was so... so... so poignant for me. Like maybe Rahm had left the best, most innocent part of himself on some Gaza battlefield. Or, as you claim, in some garbage can at Arby’s. Or whatever.  Who knows what the real truth is?  Because the real point here is that it was almost as if the ghost of his middle finger was, like, CURSING those Somali pirate foolios."

The Man: "No doubt."

Joe Biden: "Hey, you know who I bet has an awesome word for something like that? A word for flipping off your enemy with a missing, ghostly middle finger?"

The Man: ...

Joe Biden:  "Come on Stan, take a wild guess."

The Man:  ...

Joe Biden: ...

The Man: "The Germans, Sir?"

Joe Biden: "Ding Ding Ding!  That's right, Stan.  The Germans. I'll bet you dollars do donuts the krauts have a word for flipping off a pirate with the ghost finger.  And if stupid AT&T gave me 3G access inside the White House I'd Google that shit right now and find out what that word is.  But I digress.  The point is, as you now must have to admit, is that I am like, so DEFIANTLY not a total pussy cat, right?"

The Man: ...

Joe Biden: ...

The Man: "Hooah, Sir."

Joe Biden: "Right.  So anyway, this whole thing with the middle finger and the ninjas and the dead pirates got me to thinking.  We've been hiding our ninjas.  We should stop doing that.  We should celebrate those ninjas.  We should get more of them.  Have a show on the Military Channel called "Project Ninja" where all these wannabe ninjas compete.  Or "America's Next Top Ninja," with Dick Marcinko or Charlie Sheen.  And then once we have enough ninjas, we should unleash them on Al Quaeda like we did with those pirates.  Except instead of Somalia, we'd do it in Pakistan.  Get some results, dig?  With any luck, we'll be out of both countries by Thanksgiving."

The Man:  ...

Joe Biden: ...

The Man: "If you say so, Mr. Vice President."

Joe Biden: "Right on, Stan. Groovy."

The Man: ...

Joe Biden: "Hey, you know I stand behind this new plan one hundred and ten percent, right?  That I'll accept full responsibility if you can't carry it out?"

The Man: "Hooah, Mr. Vice President. I'm glad you got my back in The 'DC."

Joe Biden: "Shit Stan, you know I'd cover for you if it came down to it. If I thought you really needed help."

The Man: ...

Joe Biden: ...

The Man: "Mr. Vice President, I have to say that hearing you say what I think you just said makes me feel all mothafuckin warm inside, is what that does for me."

Joe Biden: ...

The Man: "In fact, just seeing you in action gets my dick hard about democracy."

Joe Biden: ...

The Man: (points to his crotch) "See?  Scope out this fat chub." 

Joe Biden: (Smiling) "Well then, let’s get a beer.  Maybe a cobb salad, some extra bacon.  What do you say?"

The Man:  "Sorry. Can’t do it."

Joe Biden: "What, are you Jewish?  That ain't no thang.  Rahm just puts soy bacon on his Cobb. 

The Man: ...

Joe Biden:  "Come on now, Stan -- What could be more fun than a beer and a cobb salad with the Vice President of the United States?"

The Man: "Shaving my balls and dipping them in hot wax.  But you go on ahead and get that cobb salad.  And say hi to Rahm for me in the hot tub, hooah sir?"


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