BLACKFIVE: WH Press Briefing- Helen Thomas retires (w/ Flavor Flav)

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WH Press Briefing- Helen Thomas retires (w/ Flavor Flav)

Posted By Uncle Jimbo

We join the White House Press briefing already in progress.

Q [Thomas] (off mike): Why should we depend on him?

MS. PERINO: Because he’s the commander on the ground, Helen. He’s the one who is making sure that the situation –

Q (off mike): — You mean how many more people we kill?

MS. PERINO: Helen, I find it really unfortunate that you use your front-row position bestowed upon you by your colleagues to make such statements. It is an honor and a privilege to be in the briefing room, and to suggest that we as the United States are killing innocent people is just absurd and very offensive.

Q: Do you know how many we have since the start of the war?

MS. PERINO: How many — we are going after the enemy, Helen. To the extent that any innocent Iraqis have been killed, we have expressed regret for it.

Q :Well, regret it doesn’t bring back a life.

MS. PERINO: Helen, we are in a war zone, and our military works extremely hard to make sure that everyone has the opportunity for liberty and freedom and democracy, and that is exactly what they’re doing.

Q (off mike): — Oh, regret. It doesn’t bring back a life.

MS. PERINO: I’m going to move on......

The following was recovered from the White House archives and has not been seen by the public, until now.

MS. PERINO: Matter of fact Helen, I can't spend another day having to listen to you vainglorious, self-absorbed, agenda-driven, clowns. I AM OUT OF HERE! I am punching out, pulling pitch, popping smoke and cutting away. You will likely regret this. I am going to giggle my ass off.

At this point Ms. Perino pulls on the microphones like a slot handle and a big red button pops up. She hits it and the lights dim. The pounding beat of Kid Rock's "Cowboy " fills the room and Uncle J appears behind the podium.

UJ: Greetings jackals. You have obviously done it again and given our President's designated jackal-wrangler a need for some R&R, you would think you clowns would learn a lesson. Ah well I do enjoy it. I even have a treat for you, usually we have Chuck D, Griff and the S1Ws here, but today we have a special guest. Ladies and gentlemen, I present Public Enemy's court jester Flavor Flav.

Flav takes the stage in a manic fashion making a noise similar to "YeeeeeyAAAAAAHHHH BoooooooYYYYEEEE!.

UJ: Chill out Flav this ain't about you. Me and Chuck D were talking about your heinous reality TV career, and we know you owe. So you are here to take one for the team brother.

Flav takes off his cheap sunglasses and looks at UJ with that crazy eyes look he is famous for.

FF: Wha?

UJ: Let me make this simple, the bit with Brigitte Nielsen was evil and reprehensible but ultimately understandable. However you couldn't let it end there and you have created the dumbest backwater of reality TV which persists to this day with some ridiculous yotch who has a show based on the fact that she was on one of your stupid shows. FFS Flav you are a train wreck that just won't stop.

Well you are about to take care of another train wreck that just won't stop. Take that gold clock you have around your neck and read the back of it to me.

FF: Hey what's this?

UJ: Just read it.

FF: For centuries of faithful service to the narrative and the guild, Happy Retirement Helen Thomas.

UJ: OK Flav your 15+ is way over. Do you see that vulture in the front row?

FF: That evil-looking troll with the dust all over it?

UJ: Yep, take your gold watch and put it around her neck, don't make me show clips from "The Flavor of Love".

Flav bows his head and accepts the inevitable, walking over to Helen Thomas and dropping the retirement time piece on her.

UJ: Congratulations to both of you as you exit the stage. You both stayed long beyond what you deserved and we can thank the vulgarity of our culture for that. The lovely couple will be heading for a beautiful island paradise 90 miles south of Key West and a 5 star resort called Club Gitmo.

The applause lights came on and the jackals obliged with golf clap level celebration. But the biggest smile in the room was Ms. Perino's.

Ms. Perino: Uncle J that may have been the most satisfying moment of my career in public affairs. Thank you kindly.

UJ: It was nothing Ma'am, you earned it taking the slings and arrows of those rabid swine daily. By the way, did you know if you search your name and the search engine suggests additional searches, that the first one suggested, and consequently the most popular one with the public, is "Dana Perino Hot"? That must give you tremendous satisfaction.

Ms. Perino: It does. Now I will head off for a whirlwind tour of CIA secret prisons around the globe.

UJ: Say Hey to KSM and the fellas for me.