Tony Snow is taking a well-deserved vacation where he dresses up baby harp seals in CNN t-shirts and then clubs them for their fur. Previous Press Secretarying here.
The usual suspects had all been herded into the new WH Press Center and hastily grabbed seats as the lights dimmed and the defiant sound of Kid Rock's "Cowboy" took control. Out strides Uncle Jimbo amid blazing and flashing house lights and the jackals shrink back from the all out assault on the senses.
UJ- Greetings Jackals and first thing, you can all quit shivering because we won't be having any extraordinary renditions today. So come on up from under your chair there Dana Milbank. You guys have pissed me off, but not quite to Gitmo level yet. We will still be joined by Chuck D, Professor Griff and the S1Ws, so stay on my good side clowns.
A wall slips to the side complete with Star Trek woosh sound and in flows Chuck D, Griff and 6 hard-lookin' brothers in urban camo.
UJ- Explain this week's episode to the class would you Chuck?
Chuck- Gladly. We will be covering honor and since that is not something any of you have much familiarity with, I will help by defining it. Honor is the belief that your words and deeds matter and that there is no excuse for lying, cheating stealing or tolerating those who do. It's in West Point's code and unlike the non-existent code of journalistic ethics it matters to them.
Snorts of derision and laughter emanate from Griff
Chuck- Did you have an interjection Professor?
Griff- Only to note the irony of preaching honor to those who rely on betrayal for their daily bread. But hey, you're screwing this cat I'm just holding the tail.
Chuck- Thank you Professor, enlightening as always. Now recently there has been a push underway to question the honor of a better man than any sitting in this room, Gen.
Leonidas Petraeus. He is due to testify in front of our Parliament of Hoors Sept. 15 and the Democrats and of course you all are afraid the news will be good, and that's bad for your sorry political scheming. So you have begun undermining the man and his message before either one gets here. You can argue about whether what he says means this or that all you want but I am going to be perfectly straight with you jackals. Don't start callin' the man a liar.
Griff hit a wall with a laser pointer and it dissolved into video of Petraeus doing one-armed push-ups.
Chuck- Now that is pretty impressive right there, but pan down a bit Griff.
Griff pulled the shot down and it was revealed that Petraeus was choking a terrorist with one hand and forging his confession with the other, all while knocking out the push ups
Chuck- I'm just saying you don't want to be that journalist everybody thought was so happy and then gets found with a Crayola suicide note, shot three times with a single shot gun. Seriously I heard Petraeus used to drive his Bradley around Baghdad swerving around chopping dogs in half and yelling "Take that running dog of the Imperialist Press". He even wore the skull of an AP stringer for a helmet, well after he scooped out his brains and ate them in front of him. Just trust me he is definitely the type who would go medieval on your ass.
I saw Chuck Norris outside detailing his Hummer in the middle of the summer, are we understood jackals?
Stunned silence prevailed
Chuck- I said ARE WE UNDERSTOOD JACKALS?
Mumbles of "yes sir Mr. Chuck sir" and other affirmations followed.
Chuck- The party favors Griff.
Griff nods and the S1Ws deliver a little reminder to each of the journalists. A ten pound brick with an inscription on each side.
Chuck- NBC stand up and read your brick.
There was no movement and Chuck tapped the podium in annoyance.
Chuck- David Gregory, do you know which damn network you lie for?
Gregory- Uh yes
Chuck- Then get off your ass and read your brick NBC
Gregory- Duty, Honor Country
Chuck- That's right Duty, Honor Country and that's what Gen. Petraeus swears to live his life for. Flip it over jackass.
Gregory- I will not lie, cheat, steal or tolerate anyone who does
Chuck- Very good. In a room filled with Congress, the press and a military officer the only one operating with this kind of a moral code will be that officer. Now drop the brick on your foot.
Gregory spluttering- ww-what?
Chuck- You heard me, drop that brick on your damn foot.
When Gregory still hesitated, the nearest S1W swooped in, snatched the brick and brought it down swiftly on Gregory's foot.
Gregory- OOOWWWW! Holy s**t that hurt. What the hell?
Chuck- Pick up your brick and shut your face Gregory. Now if the rest of you need a demonstration that can be arranged but until we get past this upcoming testimony you all will be carrying your bricks around. Then when you get a hankering to mess with the war effort and talk smack about a good man, you just drop that brick on your foot and remind your dumb ass that you don't need that kind of pain.
Uncle J- Well that just about wraps this one up. Thanks as always to Chuck, Griff and the S1Ws. Jackals there is a pair of Gen. Petraeus' combat boots outside that you may wish to pay homage to as you leave. You never know where his eye is ranging.