The Differential Theory of the U.S. Armed Forces (Snake Model)

Posted By Blackfive

My solution to putting salve on the hurt of the Marines is to make fun of everybody...yes, you've seen it before, but it still rings true:

The Ultimate Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model)

Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)

Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

Air Force, O-6 and above: "Get that damned snake off the fairway!"

Armor: Runs over snake. Never knows it,as well as where the tank and the snake is on the battlefield. Continues directly ahead wondering what all those new buttons in his turret do.

Army Aviation: Has GPS ten digit grid to snake. Stands off at a range greater than any other weapon system and destroys snake with precision fires at a cost equivilant of one Mercedes 350SEL. Returns to base for fighter management and a "cool one".

Army Shrink. Attempts to get snake to explain its sexual feelings about its mother.

Chaplain. Tries to get snake to attend services, mend its ways.

Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in depth analysis based on obscure 5 series FM about how to defeat snake using counter mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake operations. (Engineer School tries to hide the fact that M9 ACE proves ineffective against snakes).

Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

Military Intelligence, G-2: Sanke? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing professional courtesy.

Marines, ForceRecon: Follows snake, gets lost.

Marines, Infantry: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

Mech Infantry: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

Military Intelligence, S-2: Reports to ground troops that snake is a non-combatant. Six Infantry wounded. MI states that if the ground forces would have read the nesting diagram provided in the 24 page enemy intel report, they would have known the snake was a possible threat.

Military Police, Criminal Investigation: Handcuffs snake's head to its tail, reads it its Miranda rights, then proceeds to beat snake to a pulp with night stick.

Missileers, Air Force: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.

Military Police, Field: Snake safely infiltrates rear area of operations.

Navy SeaBees: Build snake elaborate rec room, complete with secret still.

Navy, SEAL: Expends all ammunition and several grenades, then calls for naval gunfire in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites the SEAL, and dies of salt water poisoning. Hollywood makes film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.

Navy, Surface Action Group: Fires off 50 cruise missiles fro several ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

Ordnance: IDs snake as having improper scales. Deadline snake and order parts against snake. Parts come in 15 days later but the snake has been upgraded to FMC due to scrounging of parts through improper channels.

Para-Rescue: Lands on snake upon descending, thereby injuring it, then feverishly works to save the snake's life.

Pilot, A-10: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

Pilot, Air Force, B-52: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

Pilot, Air Force, F-15: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.

Pilot, Air Force, F-16: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but gets direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multimillion dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.

Pilot, Air Force, Fighter, Generic: Mis-identifies the snake as a HIND and engages it with missiles. Crew Chief paints snake on airplane.

Pilot, Air Force, Transport: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, and delivers two weeks after due date.

Pilot, Army, AH-64 Apache: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infrared. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.

Pilot, Army, HH-53 Jolly Green Giant: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out flares to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.

Quartermaster: Encounters snake, then loses contact. Can not identify who owns snake by hand receipts. Orders new snake through supply channels. Request is denied by higher authority; issuing the unit a snake will bring the manager to a zero balance; one snake must remain on hand at all times as per their boss' guidance.

Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

Signal, Enlisted: Tries to communicate with snake . . . fails despite repeated attempts. Complains that the snake did not have the correct fill or did not know how to work equipment a child could operate.

Signal, Officer: Informs the commander that he could easily communicate with the snake using just his voice. Commander insists that he NEEDS to videoconference with the snake, with real-time streaming positional and logistical data on the snake displayed on video screens to either side. Gives Signal Corps $5 Billion to make this happen. SigO abuses the 2 smart people in the corps to make it happen, while everybody else stands around, bitches, and takes credit. In the end, GTE and several sub-contractors make a few billion dollars, the two smart people get out and go to work for them, and the commander gets what he asked for only in fiber-optic based simulations. The snake dies of old age.

SJA: Swear they saw something like that on the Discovery Channel . . . spend weeks arguing if it was a snake or not.

Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.

Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

Transportation Corps: "Snake? What snake? We were sleeping in the truck."

War Correspondent. Decides snake is patriotic nationalist agrarian reformer being molested by imperialist U.S. forces, asks snake for directions to nearest bar. If bitten by snake, charges U.S. troops with neglect of duty to protect freedom of the press.

TrackBack

TrackBack URL for this entry:
http://www.typepad.com/t/trackback/2819/19344818

Listed below are links to weblogs that reference The Differential Theory of the U.S. Armed Forces (Snake Model):

» The Differential Theory of the U.S. Armed Forces (Snake Model) from discarded lies - hyperlinkopotamus
The Differential Theory of the U.S. Armed Forces (Snake Model) [Read More]

Comments

[Defendusa]

My favorites...supply...don't forget, one might be written up for failing to turn in the snake that was never rec'd.

Airborne,Rangers Oh lead the way, boys, lead the way!!

[The Wolf]

You forgot PAO: OOPS- sorry, Strategic Communications: We cannot comment on any snake-related activities, and anyway that would be up to the snake's chain of command to provide comments, if any are applicable. Be sure to check out our website on 'How to handle snakes in your AO' for the current command guidelines on snakes.

W

[rgrmom82]

Matt, did you write that??? I hadn't read that one....

i am pretty sure girls aren't supossed to laugh at this stuff...ROFLMAO...

"rotor wash blows snake into fire"....
Ranger, "plays with snake, then eats it"

I gotta quit this place and get a real job:):)

[Blackfive]

No, didn't write it. It's been around for more than a few years. Just thought we should share the hilarity instead of just basting the jarheads with it.

[Snake]

You had to make Force Recon look that bad too?

[vet66]

Reminds me of the old BC comic strip where the snake always gets whacked by the cavewoman with the club!

Hilarious! Made my whole day. Thanks...

[JihadGene]

Military Police...no respect, no respect at all, I tell ya!.
Just call me Rodney Danger-MP!

SEABEE's...."build snake elaborate rec room complete w/ secret still"! Bwahahahahahahahaha!!! (it's true)

[MrSparkle]

My favourite was Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

And the 'chair force' ones :D

[Sig]

Whenever I have seen it, the MI one with "only 4 of 32 indicators" ends with: "Snake is sitting under chair."

Sig

[Ymarsakar]

The funniest two were the SF and War Corres.

[sweetshyness]

I am new to this...found this very funny. I sat here laughing thinking of my various friends in the different branches of service and picturing them. Funny stuff! Thanks!

[Teresa]

LOL - thanks I needed that - haven't seen this one in a while. As always I like this one the best:

"Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing professional courtesy."

[Grumpy]

B-5, Absolututely out of sight, my only addition would be, "The group mascot is the mongoose, he knows more than anybody else. In fact, the mongoose causes real worry in the command, becauses he does know more. The politicians, they deny the snake's very existence. The mongoose is not an elected official, nor a political appointee. In the final analysis, He just gets it DONE! He is one HAPPY CAMPER!

Thanks,
Grumpy

[Gmo]

I would have one disagreement; the SF soldier: cuts off the snakes head, carefully collecting the blood, removes the snakes entrails, studies them for signs of immanent danger, saves them for bait, carefully removes the skin for barter, cuts the snake into sections for each team mate, slowly roasts the meat basted with hot sauce over coals, gives thanks to the Big G for the bounty, flakes the delicious meat off the bones, savors each morsel, sterilizes the site, moves on, satisfied.

[Mike the Marine]

Now THAT was awesome. I've seen some "snake lists" before, but this is a massive compilation. Sweet.

[mindy abraham]

HAHAHA rgmom i'm also finding this funny-humor should not be gender based.

[Mike the Marine]

An addition:

Naval Aviator, Jets: Lobbies Congress for new funds to buy "Snake-seeking ordnance," while pressing the point that blue-water ops are the only effective way to display American might to the snake and have a psychological effect on it. Gets funds, then launches strike. Can't drop on Snake due to targeting pod being "bent." Has to jettison multi-million dollar Anti-Snake Bomb into ocean. Comes back to boat and traps on pitching deck in dead of night while bitching about how "Snake gets ten-thousand feet of solid runway to do this $%!T on." Proceeds to blame maintenance chief for bent pod. Chief goes out to jet, pulls tapes, finds that pod was never switched to "ON" position.

[MaryAnn]

This is hilarious no matter how often you see it, and I can never decide which one is funniest.

Updates could include, among others, the addition of the F-22 which would be similar to F-16 results but cost twice as much...

[cirby]

Air Force Ground Crew:

Runs back to truck after sighting snake, then after a half hour, sends lowest ranking airman out to beat snake to death with a set of wheel chocks.

[musician]

USMC Band, "The President's Own": Oboe player charms snake into a saxophone case, which is then presented as a gift to former president Bill Clinton.

Army Band, "Pershing's Own": Snake's head crushed with a mallet by bass drum player. Snakeskin turned into cool sash for drum major.

[rgrmom82]

Musician...those rock too!!!!

[danangvet]

Psyop; Stuffs leaflets and wanted posters in snakes mouth, then talks snake to death.

[Tantor]

Predator identifies snake on battlefield. Snake coordinates are given to satellite which is redirected to cover Snake Threat Area. Continuous photographic and thermal imaging are relayed via secure computer networks back to theater command and Air Force headquarters , where several brigadier and lieutenant generals monitor the screens and issue orders. Air Force launches a billion dollar B-2 carrying sixteen JDAMs from Whiteman AFB in Missouri to the Middle East, refueling twice en route. A secret Air Force asset, not yet revealed publicly, is launched to engage the snake as an operational test of its capability. F-16s and F-15s are redirected to the snake kill box. Air controllers in an AWACS jet stack the jets at different altitudes above the snake to deconflict them and take inventory of their armaments to decide which should be directed against the target and in what order.

Meanwhile, back at the Pentagon, the staff lawyers advise the four star that there is no legal authority to engage the snake as reptiles are not considered combatants under the Geneva Convention. All the jets stacked up over the target are redirected to safe areas where they can dump their bombs so that they can get light enough to land. All the squadrons involved are able to show a good sortie rate for the day, which advances the squadron commanders to those colonel eagles. All aircrews are awarded air medals for a successful combat mission. Predator follows snake until it bites a bunch of sleeping civilians, killing them all with its venom. New York Times writes front page article about US military unable to stop snake from killing civilians in this quagmire of a war in which the snakes are winning.

Air Force writes RFP for new weapon system that specifically targets snakes. Raytheon wins the bid and produces special million dollar snake-killling missile that uses complex ground-mapping radar to identify snakes by comparing the Doppler shift between them and the terrain, then running it through a snake algorithm that transmits snake type back to pilot through various tones for each kind of snake. Missile tests successfully against captive snakes at White Sands Missile Range in New Mexico.

Unfortunately, the snake missile performs erratically in combat, ignoring snakes completely and targeting lizards. A tragic incident occurs where the snake missile strikes a market where live lizards are being offered for sale, killing seventeen civilians. Fortunately, it's attributed by locals to retribution by the Shia dogs for the murder of several Sunni merchants. The missile is quietly retired.

Twenty years later, the History Channel runs a half hour documentary on the "Snake Handlers of the Middle East" where members of the missile unit tell their story rather cryptically, saying that they struck fear into the heart of the enemy, but they can't be specific about their many victories because it's all still classified.

[Wild Bill]

Can you do a list about gopher turtles? I know that in my mech infantry unit they were killed on site.

[Ymarsakar]

For those wanting another hearty laugh, go to Sala's site to watch a vid of a navy exercise.

More Speed

[bthun]

Well that's the end of the German skipper's career.

And Tantor, I think you know more than you are telling. heheh...

[Mike the Marine]

WOW. Tantor, that was effing HUGE!

[Mommynator]

Well, I'm a girl too and I thought these were hilarious because I guess familiarity also breeds affection.

The sidenotes by others were also welcome smile inducers.

[musician]

Got to thinking more about the Marine Band gig with the snake:

After being presented in a saxophone case to former President Bill Clinton, eight hours later the snake is found dead in a secluded park in Chappaqua, NY, an apparent suicide, pending final police report. While the investigation continues, authorities have found the alleged weapon, and are running tests to determine how the snake could have pulled the trigger on a S&W .357 Magnum without any powder residue found on the snake. It also appears that two rounds were fired. The lead detective's theory is that the first shot missed. Preliminary autopsy report is inconclusive. Only one slug was found.

Footprints found at the park were identified by the FBI as Gucci pumps, women's size seven. "The person who wore those pumps had really thick ankles," an unnamed but highly placed FBI investigator said to a reporter for the NY Sun. The NY Times covered the death of the snake in a three sentence article on page A23, while the lead article on the front page, above the fold, proclaimed, "Schumer, Rangel lead charge for Snakes' Rights on Capitol Hill."

[Wrenchbender1]

Crew Chief- Bashes snake with hammer, wrenches, and crash axe after it fails to produce a line badge.

[Wolf]

You forgot one- Marine Ammo Techs- the males run from the snake, the female(me, in question) catch the snake (an Eastern Black Kingsnake, was roughly 4ft longt) barehanded and takes it home.

True story.

[Falshrmjgr]

Joint Security Area (JSA) Korea: Puts on Class B uniform and stares snake down for 40 years. Snake dies of old old age, but son of snake assumes staring contest.

Cav Troopers: Shoots near snake to prevent it from crossing FLOT because their mission is "Screen" and Not "Destroy." Put in for Silver Start, but is downgraded to ARCOM w/ "V" Device. Cav is successful in not becoming "Decisively Engaged"

NTC O/C: Shoots snake with Godgun, tells it to take off its fangs and wait for Medivac. Other Snakes berated in AAR for not knowing their 9-Line Medivac.

Military Intelligence (Tactical): Puts Rubber Snakes around Snake as "Battle Field Deception." Junior MI Soldier left near to make hissing noises because sound system is deadlined.

Retired SGM working at CIF: Gives snake a statement of charges for not having the same skin it was issued. Snake goes and kills other snake; Tries to turn in other snakes' skin. Spends 8 hours in CIF parking lot washing skin.

ROTC Cadet: Cadet dies of Snake Bite after asking Snake how he did at "Advance Camp"

SFOD-D: Deploys 2 man SR Team to maintain "eyes on" while squadron prepares for deployment. $2.1 M. worth of "Discretionary" funds are used to contract a company to produce a .50 cal subsonic round whose weapon effect closely resembles a mongoose bite. FBI's HRT is deployed to stand around while an Operator shoots the snake with the "Mongoose Round" while wearing an HRT Jacket. SFOD-D Cooks and Clerks expend a total of 1.7 Million Rounds of ammo back at Bragg so that it looks like SFOD-D was never deployed...

[Venomous Kate]

Have I not already warned you: don't diss on the snake!

[Orion]

We're all missing a critical component in our Defense establishment...

US Congresscritter (D) - After initially voting in favor of anti-snake military action, suddenly realizes that the snake can never be defeated. Goes on TV and describes current operations as 'failed' before they begin and the calls the leading herpetologist in the world 'incompetent'. Pleads with snake not to hurt us. Then introduces legislation to re-deploy all military forces to Okinawa where they can more effectively engage snakes, world-wide. Then heads overseas to attempt to negotiate our surrender to the snake. Takes intern for 'support'.

Orion

[walrus]

Haven't seen this for a few years, always bears repeating!