WH Press Briefing Room 0500 am. The room is filled with bleary-eyed members of the WH Press Corps rousted from their beds by Professor Griff and the SW1s and dumped unceremoniously in their chairs. The doors clang shut and the sweeeet thump of Kid Rock's "Cowboy" announces the arrival of Uncle J.
Uncle J: Sometimes I wonder if you jackals will ever learn, I mean are we wasting our time trying to educate you disloyal clowns? Seriously Chuck and I have better things to do. Whatever, tell 'em what they've won Chuck.
ChucK D: For a reason known only to the diseased minds of you lot, you continue to print our secrets and that's gotta stop.
Lichtblau, Risen get your punk asses down here.
The SW1s snatch the NY Times reporters out of their chairs and deposit them in front of Professor Griff.
Griff: Break Yourselves!
The reporters look puzzled and Risen manages a squawk:
Risen: www what?
Griff: I said break yourselves, you are about to experience a real warrantless search. Help 'em out fellas.
The SW1s assist the reporters by turning them upside down and shaking vigorously thus dislodging the contents of their pockets, and everything else they had. Griff scoops up the intelligence gathered and brings it over to Chuck.
Chuck D: (examining a receipt) What's this Risen? Rentin' videos, hmmmm "Catholic School Girls Gone Wild", "Fun with Farm Animals"....Man, you are a nasty pervert! And what about you Lichtblau, a prescription for Zoloft, for Paxil, for Viagra, Cialis,
Chuck and Griff lean together and discuss briefly
Chuck D: Oh and apparently the genital warts are flaring up too. Damn it must be hard damn work being as screwed up as you are.
Uncle J: You see jackals that is what an actual violation of your privacy is. I used the power and majesty of the US government to publicly humiliate you and I did so to punish you. That is naughty and I feel really bad about it, well not actually. You see you wolf-crying vermin have howled about so many violations of privacy that nobody is actually sure what one is anymore. So now that we have seen what that's all about let's get back to your most recent disloyalty. From your own piece, in which you publish a primer on how we try to track terrorist finances:
Viewed by the Bush administration as a vital tool, the program has played a hidden role in domestic and foreign terrorism investigations since 2001 and helped in the capture of the most wanted Qaeda figure in Southeast Asia, the officials said.
And somehow after the government asks you not to blow this program you fools decide that the public's right to know outweighs their right to be kept safe. What unmitigated stupidity, and who the hell put you idiots in charge of deciding that? We don't have a free press to allow you to aid and abet our enemies during a war or ever. FFS people, it's wicked hard chasing weasely terrorists around without pissing the appeasers at CAIR off about "profiling" but we are managing. We even scarfed up some miserable bastards who figgered Allah was mad about the Sears Tower mocking him. Now if you are going to keep giving these clowns pages from our playbook eventually one of them will slip through and you will be asking why we didn't connect the dots. You simply have to stop this, one way or another.
All right fellas take these jackals out back and finish up their warrantless search. You will really enjoy this next part.
The SW1s hauls the two sorry wretches away as Griff, sporting a wicked grin, snaps a rubber examination glove on a hand with an extended index finger.