White House Press Briefing- Uncle J perp walks the press

Posted By Uncle Jimbo

White House Briefing Room 0730 am
Room is festooned with balloons and streamers

As the press files in they see Uncle Jimbo at the podium flanked again by Chuck D, Griff and a few enforcers from the transcendent rap group Public Enemy.

Uncle J: Welcome to the party jackals, we are throwing this little soiree for you, well for some of you. The rest can wave goodbye as your buddies head out for a real inside look at our criminal justice system. Except this won't be an expose, more like a very deep embed, but in a very bad way. Tell 'em about the party Chuck.

Confetti falls and disco lights flash as Chuck intones:

Chuck D: Clowns and Jackals of the 4th Estate, you are hereby notified that the Hon. Albert Gonzales has given the green light to ensuring all leaks of classified information are investigated and prosecuted to ensure our secrets remain just that.

Uncle J: You see, we took you seriously when you lost your collective minds thinking you had Karl Rove for leaking secrets. The NY Times was screaming for a Special Prosecutor and you guys got one but all that sound and fury appears to have signified nothing. Yet it wouldn't be fair to cherry pick only the ones that hurt the administration, especially since the leaks you vermin have perpetrated actually harmed our national security.

I don't know what they teach at Columbia and those other temples of liberal orthodoxy where you lot got your ordinations, but 'round here it's simple. Don't leak classified information because you disagree with the policies of the duly elected executive. Doing so will get you scarfed up and stashed away someplace much less pleasant than Manhattan. Tell 'em what they have won Chuck.

Chuck D: Several lucky jackals have won a full ride to the University of STFU located in sunny Guantanamo, Cuba. Let's get them started on their way. First David Gregory from NBC, C'mon down. We don't have you for leaking classified info so you don't go to jail, but you are just a complete asshole. You're Fired! Griff get this clown out of here.

Two of the urban camo-clad brothers snatch Gregory up and drag his punk ass out by his silly hair.

Chuck D: OK first in line for some tropical righteousness infusion, the fool who thought it was important to tell the world about the bases where we stash the evil bastards we catch in the war on terror, like Khalid "Sheik, Sheikh, Sheikh" Mohammed. Formerly reporter for the Washington Post, now federal prisoner, Dana Priest.

Ms. Priest was already flanked by a duo of muscle and they wasted no time extracting her from her chair and rendering her out the side door.

Chuck D: Next golden ticket belongs to The NY Times James Risen, thanks for taking our best efforts to track the commo of bin Laden when he tries to hook up with a sleeper cell here in the US and using it to sell your book. Jack him up Griff.

Risen is disappeared out the same door Priest was.

Uncle J: Now that was some fun eh jackals? Let's review things so far, you have been acting like jackasses and using any piece of info that appears damaging to the President, even if it damages all of our security. That is not only deeply wrong but definitely illegal, and now a couple of your buddies are going to pay for the crimes of all "Pour encourager les autres". Now don't feel all picked on and start whinin', we also scarfed up your sources too and they are already down in Gitmo, we don't countenance leakers in or out of government.

I have in my hand two more envelopes with golden tickets for two more of you. But first we will let you have a shot at redemption, so let Priest and Risen serve as object lessons. Go forth and report, but remember this very simple rule. Don't tell anyone our secrets, seriously people.

                                   - Uncle J

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White House Press Briefing- Uncle J perp walks the press

White House Briefing Room 0730 am
Room is festooned with balloons and streamers

As the press files in they see Uncle Jimbo at the podium flanked again by Chuck D, Griff and a few enforcers from the transcendent rap group Public Enemy.

Uncle J: Welcome to the party jackals, we are throwing this little soiree for you, well for some of you. The rest can wave goodbye as your buddies head out for a real inside look at our criminal justice system. Except this won't be an expose, more like a very deep embed, but in a very bad way. Tell 'em about the party Chuck.

Confetti falls and disco lights flash as Chuck intones:

Chuck D: Clowns and Jackals of the 4th Estate, you are hereby notified that the Hon. Albert Gonzales has given the green light to ensuring all leaks of classified information are investigated and prosecuted to ensure our secrets remain just that.

Uncle J: You see, we took you seriously when you lost your collective minds thinking you had Karl Rove for leaking secrets. The NY Times was screaming for a Special Prosecutor and you guys got one but all that sound and fury appears to have signified nothing. Yet it wouldn't be fair to cherry pick only the ones that hurt the administration, especially since the leaks you vermin have perpetrated actually harmed our national security.

I don't know what they teach at Columbia and those other temples of liberal orthodoxy where you lot got your ordinations, but 'round here it's simple. Don't leak classified information because you disagree with the policies of the duly elected executive. Doing so will get you scarfed up and stashed away someplace much less pleasant than Manhattan. Tell 'em what they have won Chuck.

Chuck D: Several lucky jackals have won a full ride to the University of STFU located in sunny Guantanamo, Cuba. Let's get them started on their way. First David Gregory from NBC, C'mon down. We don't have you for leaking classified info so you don't go to jail, but you are just a complete asshole. You're Fired! Griff get this clown out of here.

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