Friday Funny - Ultimate War Story Edition

Posted By Uncle Jimbo

The picture is my buddy Sammy taking my wife on her first skydive, which was perhaps the most perfect first skydive ever. That story is here.

All right it's Friday and I have had my fill of hatin' for the week. It was right and proper but I would rather have some funny. So the theme for today is the many colorful phrases I have come across. The largest chunk come from my buddy Sammy's dad Willy. He was a Vietnam era Green Beret who never lost his flavor, and it was tangy. After retirement he and his wife were running a Cafe/General Store in New Hampshire and Clinton's election was a dark day for Willy. His wife came down in the morning to find Willy behind the grill serving customers wearing all black, with black streamers hung all around and the flag flying at half mast and upside down out front. She informed him in a commanding voice "You knahck this gahbage off Willy Thistle, Democrats eat heah too". Many of these are his adaptations of age old cracks, but he was a master.

One of his favorites was to tell Sammy:

"I don't call you son 'cuz you shine, I call you son 'cuz you're mine. So don't piss me off, I made you and I can make another one just like you."

As a First Sergeant he informed his new troopies.

" I don't play, I don't play s**t. Where I walk grass don't dare grow. Rattlesnakes bite me and die. Elephants bump me and bruise their hide. I quit school in the third grade........'cuz they recess.

While Sammy was in Ranger school, they exchanged the following post cards:

Dear Dad,
No Mon. No Fun.
Your Son

Dear Son,
Too bad. So Sad.
Your Dad

Now this would be a complete waste if we did not discuss the ultimate war story. but first the basics for those playing at home. Do you know the difference between a war story and a fairy tale? A fairy tale starts "Once upon a time". A war story starts "now this is no s**t". The ultimate war story has myriad variations this is the one Willy told and we adapted.

There I was, no s**t, knee-deep in hand grenade pins and extended LAW tubes, hadn't hit a dawgone thing all day. First Chinese horde to my front and only two rounds left for my .45. Was I scared? Dawgone right I was scared......scared I wouldn't get 'em all.

There was also the question of what exactly we did for a living. My explanation of how all members of a Special Forces A team support the Weapons Sergeant is here. But most folks don't know what Special Forces is and when they ask "So what do you fellas do?" saying Special Forces produces a look like a dog looking at a doorknob, or a hog looking at a wristwatch. But say Green Beret and you get the semi-awed "Ohhhh". So we needed a better answer and our adaptation of an oldie was:

I'm a ramp-jumpin', door-kickin', slim-waisted. barrel-chested, dacron-coated, titanium filled, freedom fighter guaranteed never to rust, bust or collect dust.

That was one way to answer the question, the other was called "Follow the lie" and since we traveled constantly we were always answering that question as a group of 6-10 large burly American males generally draws some attention. Follow the lie simply means whoever pipes up first gets to choose what we are and everyone else has to play along. One of my favorites was in Yakima, Washington where at a Dennys I told a nice lady and her cute college-age daughter:

"We're a National Geographic film crew and we are here to film the strutting behavior of the sage grouse during mating season at night using special infra-red cameras."

Now there really is a part of Yakima Firing center off limits to training because it is the strutting grounds of the sage grouse, so the story had legs and we left after another 15 minutes regaling them with our exploits humping tons of camera gear across the prairie in our selfless pursuit of science.

Watching a Thai man load his flock for market produced:

"Man I've been around the world twice, I've seen goats float in a boat, you can't show me nothing that's gonna shock me."

One of Willy's favorite threats was:

"I will beat you like a wet dog in a dry house"

Then there was the ever popular descriptions of how screwed up someone or something was:

You are so screwed up you stepped out of the screen door on your submarine and started paddling up s**t creek in a chicken-wire canoe, eating a soup sandwich, swinging a football bat, wearing bowling cleats.

I knocked these out quickly and will see what others I can remember over the weekend. Feel free to pipe up with any colorful crapola and maybe we can make a reference page of useless silly things to say in very  odd circumstances.

Both Willy and Sammy left for Valhalla too soon, but I get a reminder every time I drop one of these on an unsuspecting victim. Blue Skies to all the Thistles.

                                                              - Uncle J

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Friday Funny - Ultimate War Story Edition

The picture is my buddy Sammy taking my wife on her first skydive, which was perhaps the most perfect first skydive ever. That story is here.

All right it's Friday and I have had my fill of hatin' for the week. It was right and proper but I would rather have some funny. So the theme for today is the many colorful phrases I have come across. The largest chunk come from my buddy Sammy's dad Willy. He was a Vietnam era Green Beret who never lost his flavor, and it was tangy. After retirement he and his wife were running a Cafe/General Store in New Hampshire and Clinton's election was a dark day for Willy. His wife came down in the morning to find Willy behind the grill serving customers wearing all black, with black streamers hung all around and the flag flying at half mast and upside down out front. She informed him in a commanding voice "You knahck this gahbage off Willy Thistle, Democrats eat heah too". Many of these are his adaptations of age old cracks, but he was a master.

One of his favorites was to tell Sammy:

"I don't call you son 'cuz you shine, I call you son 'cuz you're mine. So don't piss me off, I made you and I can make another one just like you."

As a First Sergeant he informed his new troopies.

" I don't play, I don't play s**t. Where I walk grass don't dare grow. Rattlesnakes bite me and die. Elephants bump me and bruise their hide. I quit school in the third grade........'cuz they recess.

While Sammy was in Ranger school, they exchanged the following post cards:

Dear Dad,
No Mon. No Fun.
Your Son

Dear Son,
Too bad. So Sad.
Your Dad

Now this would be a complete waste if we did not discuss the ultimate war story. but first the basics for those playing at home. Do you know the difference between a war story and a fairy tale? A fairy tale starts "Once upon a time". A war story starts "now this is no s**t". The ultimate war story has myriad variations this is the one Willy told and we adapted.

There I was, no s**t, knee-deep in hand grenade pins and extended LAW tubes, hadn't hit a dawgone thing all day. First Chinese horde to my front and only two rounds left for my .45. Was I scared? Dawgone right I was scared......scared I wouldn't get 'em all.

There was also the question of what exactly we did for a living. My explanation of how all members of a Special Forces A team support the Weapons Sergeant is here. But most folks don't know what Special Forces is and when they ask "So what do you fellas do?" saying Special Forces produces a look like a dog looking at a doorknob, or a hog looking at a wristwatch. But say Green Beret and you get the semi-awed "Ohhhh". So we needed a better answer and our adaptation of an oldie was:

I'm a ramp-jumpin', door-kickin', slim-waisted. barrel-chested, dacron-coated, titanium filled, freedom fighter guaranteed never to rust, bust or collect dust.

That was one way to answer the question, the other was called "Follow the lie" and since we traveled constantly we were always answering that question as a group of 6-10 large burly American males generally draws some attention. Follow the lie simply means whoever pipes up first gets to choose what we are and everyone else has to play along. One of my favorites was in Yakima, Washington where at a Dennys I told a nice lady and her cute college-age daughter:

"We're a National Geographic film crew and we are here to film the strutting behavior of the sage grouse during mating season at night using special infra-red cameras."

Now there really is a part of Yakima Firing center off limits to training because it is the strutting grounds of the sage grouse, so the story had legs and we left after another 15 minutes regaling them with our exploits humping tons of camera gear across the prairie in our selfless pursuit of science.

Watching a Thai man load his flock for market produced:

"Man I've been around the world twice, I've seen goats float in a boat, you can't show me nothing that's gonna shock me."

One of Willy's favorite threats was:

"I will beat you like a wet dog in a dry house"

Then there was the ever popular descriptions of how screwed up someone or something was:

You are so screwed up you stepped out of the screen door on your submarine and started paddling up s**t creek in a chicken-wire canoe, eating a soup sandwich, swinging a football bat, wearing bowling cleats.

I knocked these out quickly and will see what others I can remember over the weekend. Feel free to pipe up with any colorful crapola and maybe we can make a reference page of useless silly things to say in very  odd circumstances.

Both Willy and Sammy left for Valhalla too soon, but I get a reminder every time I drop one of these on an unsuspecting victim. Blue Skies to all the Thistles.

                                                              - Uncle J

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