Uncle J: Mornin' Jackals, Uncle J fillin' in for Scotty Mac again, that is not a good sign for you.
(loud clanging as security gates crash down on all exits)
You people have officially pissed me off, so we are gonna work through some issues here, three specifically:
Leaking Classified Intelligence
Coercive Interrogation Techniques
Defeatist Reportage on Iraq
James Risen of the NY Times come on down. You're the first contestant on "Who's my Source?". I know you are all aware that it is illegal to leak classified information, and that doing so can cripple our ability to keep you pampered crybabies safe and warm. But you and the NY Times still felt obligated to aid our enemies and increase the risk terrorists won't be caught. Well since you have collectively abused our trust we will now demonstrate the errors of your ways. But first let me bring out Chuck D founder of pioneering rap group Public Enemy and VRWC propagandist on Air America Radio.
(Chuck D marches in flanked by Professor Griff and a phalanx of meaty brothers in urban camo, polished jump boots and dark shades)
Chuck D: Detail halt! Thanks Uncle J, I appreciate the opportunity to infiltrate deep in the belly of the leftist beast and spew the idiotic drivel you send me. I told Randi Rhodes it was time for another joke about killing the President and the silly bint jumped on it.
Uncle J: Folks I believe Chuck's job at Air America is done, the left is so completely Unhinged, that further rabble rousing would just be piling on. So Chuck has graciously agreed to head up the task force finishing revisions to the Military Interrogation manual which Sen. McCain has determined will be the gold standard for all interrogations conducted by our government. Since the document was under revision when the McCain Bill of Rights for Al-Qaeda was adopted, we have placed a priority on finishing it up to satisfy the Senator's concerns. Mr. D if you would.
Chuck D: Risen get your secret-leakin' punk ass up here now! You heard me punk. Griff, help the man out.
(Griff nods and two of his soldiers stomp down and snatch the quivering reporter from his chair)
Chuck D: Since nobody else had the stones to decide what was and what wasn't torture, we will handle that for you, Griff.
(Professor Griff approaches the reporter and levels a fierce gaze on him, causing the poor man to shiver even harder)
Griff: NAME YOUR SOURCES FOR THE NSA STORY!
Risen: Wwwwhat, this is outrageo.....
(Griff snaps the man forward by both lapels and then directly into his face says)
Griff: I DON'T REMEMBER ASKIN' YOUR OPINION, I ASKED THE NAMES OF YOUR SOURCES!
(His sniveling is interrupted when Griff delivers what is commonly known as a smack upside the head)
Griff: SAY WHAT AGAIN. I DARE YOU, I DOUBLE DARE YOU. SAY WHAT AGAIN.
Chuck D: Thank you kindly Professor for demonstrating the first two additions to the manual:
The Welcoming Embrace &
The Slap of the Righteous Man
Continue please Professor.
Griff: NOW I DON'T WANT TO SPEND ALL DAY ON THIS, SO NAME YOUR DAMN SOURCES
Risen: I can't believe thi....
(Griff takes a book off the table as the soldiers lift Risen's shirt. Griff deftly spins, dropping to a knee whacking the author of said book right on the belly bone with it, dropping Risen also to a knee)
Griff: BAD ENOUGH YOU ARE WILLING TO SELL YOUR COUNTRY OUT, BUT JUST TO PIMP YOUR NEW BOOK? THAT'S LOW, NOW ABOUT THOSE SOURCES.
Risen: (drools and gags) I want my lawyer.
Griff: YOUR LAWYER HUH? OK BUT WE GOTTA GET YOU CLEANED UP SINCE YOU PISSED YOURSELF THERE. FELLAS!
(Two more of Griff's troops wheel out a shower just big enough for a man to stand in. They toss the whimpering weasel in and crank it on causing Risen to shriek)
Risen: AHHHH! It's freezing.
Griff: YEAH, SORRY 'BOUT THAT, BUDGET CONSTRAINTS AND WHAT.
(They wheel the weasel washing device off stage, shivering journo inside)
Chuck D: Excellent Professor, let us know when the gentleman wishes to free his mind also. The techniques just demonstrated have also been codified in the, blessed by McCain, Military Interrogation manuals as:
Belly Flattening Book Review &
Cleansing the Conscience
Uncle J: Bravo Chuck, a stellar debut, I await the final acts. Now back to the rest of this merry band of jackals. Can any of you tell me what happened on the 15th of December? You there WaPo, well?
Milbanks (timidly): Elections in Iraq
Uncle J: Very good Milbanks, elections in Iraq. And how did they go?
Milbanks: Not too bad, some violence....
Uncle J: Now you see Milbanks there you go immediately focusing on the violence. Why is that the focus when the Sunnis voted in astounding numbers and prospects for the political process would have a hard time being rosier? Come here Milbanks (pronounced like Seinfeld does "Newman")
(Milbanks shifts nervously in his chair until he spots a couple of Griff's guys heading his way, then he pops up)
Uncle J: Here is your ticket, we are going on a quick tour of Iraq and you won a first class ticket on the rendition express. Fellas get Milbanks fitted for his mask and jumpsuit, have the docs handle his enema and strap him in for the ride to Baghdad.
(The muscle hauls Milbanks out to get prepped for his ride on the now-famous Gulfstream IV)
Uncle J: We will pick the other 7 lucky winners of the extraordinary fact-finding mission lottery in a bit but first let me put your minds at ease. As soon as Risen tells us who leaked the info on our efforts to track known Al-Qaeda operatives we will declare an amnesty on all the crap you have been pulling up 'til now. But going forward, leaking classified info is gonna bring a world of hurt on you and any sources who help you. Free press is all good as long as you don't help our common enemy take that freedom away. There is no freedom to actively oppose the legal actions of your government because you disagree with the policy.
Let's pick the other folks going on our little junket, AP, UPI, CNN. Oh don't try and duck down Al-Reuters you know you're going, and somebody grab Al-Jazeera there trying to wiggle through the gate. Not a chance Helen I couldn't pay a doc enough to enemize you. Ahhh how could I miss CBS, get your ass up you document-faking dirt bag. FOX you are welcome along and you can ride up front with us.
(The troops hustle the lucky journos and their compatriots out to a waiting panel van where they are whisked to a hangar at Andrews AFB, where the unfortunate Risen is still enjoying a nice cold shower and the G IV is undergoing pre-flight.)
Uncle J: OK Line 'em up Griff, and back to you Chuck
Chuck D: OK now let's see how our boy Risen is doing
(They haul Risen shivering uncontrollably in his wet clothes over and Griff marches up)
Griff: FEELIN' ALL REFRESHED NOW? I KNOW A NICE SHOWER ALWAYS OPENS MY MIND. LET ME ASK ONCE MORE, WHO LEAKED THE INFO?
Risen: Iiii...ccccaanntttt, I cccaaaannt. Wwwwhyy, Wwhhy aarrre yyyou ddoing thththis?
Griff: BBBBECAUSE YYYOOU SSSSSCCRREWWED UPP OOUR INTEL YOU JACKASS. WE ARE BUSY BUSTIN' OUR ASSES TO TRACK DOWN THE SAME SCUM WHO BLEW UP THE TWIN TOWERS, WE WERE LISTENING TO THEIR CALLS SO WE COULD STOP THE NEXT ONE. BUT YOU KNOW BETTER, YOU FIGURE JACKIN' UP THE SALES OF YOUR BOOK IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN US ACTUALLY DOING SOME USEFUL INTEL GATHERING. MAN YOU PISS ME OFF, WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT IT?
(Griff's troops spin the shower around revealing a salon sink with a shower hose attachment. They strap Risen in the chair with his head leaning way back. Griff takes the spray hose and tests it)
Griff: OH YEAH, NICE AND COLD. NOW LET'S FINISH THIS UP. WHO LEAKED THE CLASSIFIED INFO
Risen: I cccan't, I wwon't....
(Risen's refusal is cut off as Griff begins spraying the icy water on his face and up his nose)
Griff: EXCUSE ME, I CAN'T UNDERSTAND THE NAMES, TRY AGAIN.
(He stops the water, Risen spits and splutters it out of his orifices, and begins shrieking)
Risen: OK, OK, OK just STOP!
(Griff leans down and whispers back and forth with Risen)
Griff: LET'S GET SOME HOT COCOA FOR MY FRIEND HERE AND FIRE UP THE BLACK CHOPPERS FELLAS. WE GOT SOME PICKUPS AT CIA AND STATE.
Chuck D: Powerful finish Griff, I'll leave you and the boys to collect the rest of the garbage. The next addition to the manual will be the always effective:
Day at the Spa Nasal Irrigation
Griff, make sure to tell Risen that he way outlasted Khalid Sheikh Mohamed, make him feel a little better.
The manual will be finalized once we hammer out a few more like:
Koran or Kindling?
Lap Dances and Lingerie Fittings
Man's Best Friend? Not Yours Buddy
Uncle J: Lookin' forward to those Chuck, and thanks for all the good work. Let's get the winners of the inaugural Journalist Junket onboard and here are a few hints for story ideas:
15 million Iraqis voted in accordance with their own Constitution
Where did all these new schools and hospitals come from?
Look at all these Iraqi Security Forces kicking terrorist ass
Holy Cow, we are actually winning
Now understand how seriously we take this. For too long you clowns ran around pretending you were neutral observers simply keeping an eye on things. Well that has been shown as a joke and now you have all eyez on u.
Stop Exposing our Covert Intelligence Activities
Quit Equating Coercive Interrogation with Torture
Tell the Truth about Victory in Iraq
The stakes are too high to let you continue to indulge your troubled consciences and thereby screw up our efforts to keep our tall buildings upright. Your actions and reporting going forward will determine how you get treated. Play fair and you can have Scotty McClellan to smack around again, F**k around and you get me. That ought to clarify things and we anxiously await the work of a press that has freedom from it's own agenda.